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Thursday, 12 January 2017

Major breaking world news

Given all the headlines about world leaders today it is reassuring to see that the London Times has kept a sense of proportion. It carried the following headline today,

"Breaking news about flatulent animals..."

The key facts on the subject are,

  1. Tapirs are very noisy
  2. Orangutans do so without shame
  3. Snow leopards muffle the sound with their floofy (sic) bottoms
  4. The copperhead snake squeaks and you are likely to miss it until the smell gets to you
  5. Hedgehogs' smell worse when they have eaten cat food

...just in case you missed it! :-) 

Wednesday, 28 December 2016

Blog Xmas

The blog household was added to this Christmas with the welcome figure of Sussex-granny-blog.

Whilst with us she showed a real concern for incoming email and message alerts...

"I heard a beep. I'll just check my phone to see if I have had a message," she said.

"Nope, not mine. Perhaps it was yours?" she said to son-blog.

It wasn't and nor was it mine, Mrs blog's or daughter-blog's.

After a few minutes of quiet contemplation we heard...

"Ah! It's the battery-alert in my hearing aid!"


Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Bad Day at the Gym

For some people a bad visit to the gym is one which results in muscle stiffness the next day. For others it is missing out on a personal best on the barbell. For me ....

...it was going there with my sports shorts inside out :-( 

The shame is even worse than the twice weekly trip to the bottle bank!

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Heading for divorce 2

A while ago now I posted the first divorce warning in what became known as "Tubegate".

It has been added to by Mrs Blog's behaviour over the last 24 hours. Clearly no content with squeezing the toothpaste tube the wrong way she went further, much further,

I should explain that I am a fan of the Times crossword puzzle. In particular I enjoy the "Jumbo Cryptic Crossword" which appears every Saturday. It is a treat in my life to find a couple of hours of peace and quiet in which to solve the two or three clues that I can actually work out among the seventy odd that appear. Every Saturday I download my digital copy of the Times and go straight to the "Mind Games" section, I click on "email these puzzles" and send them to my laptop for printing. The "Jumbo" fits neatly on one side of a piece of A4 paper.

For years now I have carefully preserved the piece of paper....full size... by my armchair in the lounge. That was until today!!!!

Mrs Bloody Blog got it in her head to fold my crossword in half!! Not even neatly!!!!

Monday may see me at the solicitors.


Monday, 12 December 2016

Mathematics and tips

At a local hotel today I overheard the following conversation while waiting to order a coffee.

"Great that's £2.00 please for the coffee."

"I have a discount card."

"That's 15% off then."

"Can you take it as a tip? You know, take the 15% off for the discount but add it back as tip for yourself?"

"Yeah, no problem. That's £2.30 please!"

Oooops!


Sunday, 4 December 2016

Toothpaste tribulations

As regular readers will know, I have been a victim of failing eyesight recently. Whilst bargain hunting in Sainsburys I found an offer for half price Sensodyne toothpaste at £2 and grabbed it. The packaging was unusual, not the usual tube but I thought nothing of it. On closer inspection at home I had bought the "Kids Sensodyne, gentle toothpaste". Hardly worth a mention except...

...last night I went to brush my teeth with the stuff...

...and made the mistake of grabbing the wrong thing...

...I washed my teeth in Dove hand cream and can still taste it this morning!

Saturday, 26 November 2016

More from a busy week....

Yesterday (when not dealing with black bricks) I went Edinburgh. On the journey I noticed my washer bottle was in need of replenishing.

At the first opportunity I went into a garage and paid a fiver for a large container of screen wash.

"Where is the water tap?" I asked.

"We don't have one."

I tried another garage a few miles further on. They had no tap either. Suspecting a new post-brexit water tap shortage I formulated a new plan. Into Morrisons and out again toting a huge great bottle of water.

Back at the car I decided to read the instructions to make sure I had the concentration level correct for the - 5 C temperature and read the following,

"Ready to use, no need to dilute."