At last

It has been a bit quiet lately so sadly there has been little to blog about.

This creative drought has been brought to a welcome end by news from Spain. It appears the Spanish government (who are not renowned for having huge amounts of cash) have sunk $680 m into a project to build several submarines. They have discovered a slight hitch...the submarines will sink. That is, sink and not come back up again! A little like their Armada?

A weekend to myself

Mrs Blog took her self off to Aberdeen yesterday afternoon to spend some time with daughter-blog (the one with the goggles who cannot throw a stone into the sea).

As she left she told me how nice it would be for me to have the rest of the day to myself to do what ever I wanted. She also  told me that if I could find time she would quote like me to put together a stool she had found in IKEA.

My balloon was burst. Previous encounters with IKEA had prepared me for the task ahead. I waved goodbye to Mrs Blog and retreated to the house with a heavy heart. My whole weekend to myself hinged on being able to assemble the latest purchase -  a metal and plastic stool called Fanghorn (or something like that).

Previous encounters with Bumlard, Wilidik and Oyball had prepared me for what lay ahead.

With screwdriver and spanner set located I set about opening up the packaging. The usual instruction leaflet was there - no words just stupid little pictures that make no bloody sense. As you have probably guessed most of my weekend disappeared in trying to assemble Mrs Blog's Fanghorn Stool.

Mr Blog goes in to business

Mr Blog has set up a new business. It aims to tell the Life Insurance world what is wrong with it and what it needs to do to put things right. Given the state of Life Insurance companies  there should be no shortage of work and money into Mr Blog's coffers.

As part of the marketing effort for my new business I wrote a letter to the UK managing director of Prudential, whom I know from my time working there.

My letter said,

"Dear Barry,

Trust you are well. The first quarter has been challenging for the market in the UK. I have some thoughts on how it is going to develop and would welcome the opportunity of a short meeting to share them with you.

In the first instance I can send you a synopsis of the meeting but would need an email address to so.

Kind regards etc"

Given that Prudential reported an 18% fall in business in their major product line in Q1 after  I sent my letter I was confident he would be impressed with my insights!

I received his reply yesterday, it is edited for brevity and wit.

"Dear Sir/Madam (I did sign my letter Richard)

Thanks you for your enquiry. Unfortunately from the information supplied , we have been unable to trace your policy details on our system. We would be grateful if you could provide us with the following additional information and return this letter together with your original correspondence. (Which they sent back to me!)

.....if you have any questions please call us on 0800 000 000."

Mr Blog has more work than he thought!!

Early Morning Stress

Just back from a two day trip to London. To get there on Wednesday morning I needed to use the Blog-mobile No 3 (a 2005 Ford Fiesta). Blog-mobile No 3 has been in the garage for a few weeks and I was unsure how much fuel it had in the tank. So on Tuesday it occurred to me that I needed to check that there was enough fuel to get me to the airport, especially so, as I was leaving at 4.00 a.m.

(Living in the Borders of Scotland means that petrol stations are few and far between and petrol stations open at 4.00 a.m are non-existent, the nearest all night garage is close to Edinburgh - 30 miles away).

I need not have worried, Mrs Blog was on the case. She had taken Blog-mobile No 3 out of the garage where it usually rusts and checked the fuel level.

"Just under a half tank" she replied, when I asked her on Tuesday evening.

"Fantastic!" I said, "no need to top up before I leave tomorrow."

Posting "Witness to Fitness" on the 18th February this year should have warned me that Mrs Blog is rubbish at reading displays on technical equipment.

When I got in the car at 3.45  a.m. on Tuesday, the fuel gauge read near empty! Evaporation? No! Faulty indicator? No! .....

Mrs Blog confusing the temperature gauge and the fuel gauge? YES!!!!

Thank God that Stellios and his orange friends cannot get a plane to take off on time.

Life is never simple - the sequel

Having equipped myself with the correct battery (and measured the dimensions) I set off to West Yorkshire to install it in the 1998 Mercedes Benz E 300 TD.

Three hours and two cups of coffee later I was standing with spanner in hand looking under the bonnet (Hood for US readers) trying to locate the battery. My internet search told me I would find it under the bonnet (Hood) at the back of the engine on the left. It was not there.

Mum-Blog told me where she had found it when she measured it but it was not there either. Puzzled by the migration of an item that weighs nearly a ton, I rang Eschatology-Sister-Blog, wife of Big-Fat-Tom-Blog who had  been with him when he had tried to jump start the 1998 Mercedes Benz E 300 TD with a set of jump-cables the previous weekend.

"Under the bonnet, (Hood) to the rear of the engine on the right hand side" she told me.

I checked, it had moved, it was not there.

Mum-Blog volunteered that in some previous Mercedes cars she had known the battery was under the back seat.

Running out of ideas I checked. It was there! In fact, judging by the clamp holding it down and the hour with spanner and socket set needed to release, it had always been there.

All is now well except for the mystery that now surrounds what Big-Fat-Tom-Blog actually did when he tried to jump start the 1998 Mercedes Benz E 300 TD. My guess he is that he nearly jump-started the fuse box.

Life is never simple

This week Mr Blog had to travel to Yorkshire (Home of the Yorkshire Blogs) to sort out an MOT on a 1998 Mercedes Benz E 300 TD.

I am being very specific about the make and model for a reason.

Being warned in advance by "Big-Fat-Tom-Blog" that the battery of said car was probably flat, I made enquiries of Kwik Fit (Home of the Kwik Fit Fitter) as to replacing the battery before I headed down to Yorkshire with spanner in hand.

They asked for all the information I have posted above and the registration number which I haven't.

"Do you know the dimensions of the battery?"

"What?"

"How big is it?" (making me feel a bit thick!)

"I don't know I am in Scotland and the car is in Yorkshire"

"Well we need to know because there are two sizes for that car."

"Really? Surely there is some way of telling?"

"No"

"Well could I buy a battery and then if it doesn't fit bring it back for a refund?"

"Yes, You can refund it for the other battery."

Seeing no alternative to ending up with at least one battery I did not want, I rang Mum-Blog.

"Mum-Blog, have you got a tape measure?"

"Yes why?"

"I need to get the measurements of the battery in the Mercedes."

Several calls later and visits to the internet to look up where the battery was supposed to be, we got the dimensions in inches.

(By the way Kwik Fit Fitter, Mum Blog is nearly 84!)

I rang back Kwik Fit and spoke to a different fitter who told me that first fitter I had spoken to did not exist and more to the point , they don't sell batteries.

Still even-tempered I rang Europarts.

"I am looking for ....etc"

"There are two different batteries that could be."

"I know"

"Does the car have air-conditioning?"

"Why?"

"Because if does it needs a different battery to the model without air-conditioning."

"AHA!"

To be continued....

The world is your Oyster

Regulars will remember that I rather foolishly cut up my bank card by mistake recently (No job no money 19/3/2013), this has given rise to a series of unforeseen consequences. My apologies that this post is a little longer than usual.

When in London on the 9th April, I tried to use my Oyster card on a journey from Victoria to Cannon Street. The ticket barrier that behaves like a Rottweiler refused to allow me through and suggested I seek assistance.

I did and was told that my card had been stopped.

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know" came the reply, "you will need to take out a new Oyster card and then apply for a refund from the old one."

So £45 light in the wallet I continued my journey with my new Oyster card.

Today I found sufficient time to get on the internet and go to the Oyster home page to sort out the refund. I followed the instructions in front of me and achieved the following,

• Registered my new card
• Arranged for auto-top-up on my new card
• Updated my bank details to reflect my new bank card
• Lost any reference to any other card I might have ever had with Transport for London (TFL- one of Boris' playthings)

No matter what I did I could not organise the refund without the existing card details. Not to be outdone I range the oxymoronic helpline number. I got through to a voice which read out a series of options, another voice and a series of options and finally after pressing "2", was put through to a voice that told me I could dial a new cheaper number.

I dialed the new cheaper number thinking to myself that there was little logic in giving you an expensive number to call so that you could find out there was a cheaper number you could/should dial. After a few more menus I got through to a real person who took ages trying to solve my problem before he put me on to his supervisor. His supervisor tried several systems to arrange the refund and then told me I could not get the refund from him because I was on a "hotlist" and needed to ring a different number.

The different number was in fact the exact same number I had just dialed  I followed his menu option suggestions and spoke to a lady who had a voice that suggested she would not be flustered if they announced an imminent nuclear attack.

She told me that my old card, the one that did not work, had in fact been stopped.

"I know" said I.

"It was stopped in June 2012."

"I didn't know that!"

It dawned on me that she was talking about the previous Oyster card I had owned and lost and replaced. I explained the situation. She checked and double checked and found that they had no record of me owning any Oyster card between June 2012 and April 2013. My sanity was by now being tested since I clearly remember using the newest replaced Oyster card earlier this year.

After some insistence on my part that I was not mad and I could in fact remember the card and even had the little black plastic wallet it used to live, she tried again.

Eventually she found the card, it was on an account that was not mine. It had a balance of £47 which they were happy to refund to me. But I had to pay them £40 first so could I just hold a while and speak to someone in sales who would take the £40 I owed them.

"Why do I have to pay you?"

"Because you owe us £40"

"No I don't"

"Yes you do!"

"What do I owe you £40 for?"

"The outstanding balance"

"Look all I want is my money back from the card"

"Yes but you have to pay us £40 first."

I had a light bulb moment that saved me from complete brain-melt.

"When you say the balance on my card is £47, do you mean there is £7 on the card and a failed top up for £40?"

"Yes"

"Ah, this is your lucky day."

"Why"

"Because TFL are now £7 richer. Please forget we ever spoke, keep the refund with my compliments, and have truly a lovely afternoon."

If anyone out there is planning a nuclear strike could you please speak to me for details of a suitable target.

Reactions

Son-Blog in St Andrews has been suffering with a sore shoulder for a while. Today Mrs Blog visited him and took him to boots the chemist to get something to help. The something they suggested was a "deep-heat" spray which he reacted to and had to wash off.

This is nowhere near as good as Daughter-blogs reaction to Tesco Chinese Black Bean sauce, when she was 16, which made her look like a cross between a Ferengi and a Klingon!

Priceless

In today's London Times there is a report about a gift given to M Hollande, the president of France.

It seems that the people of Mali wanted to thank him for France intervening in driving the Islamic extremists out of Mali earlier this year. They expressed their gratitude in the gift of a young camel, which began a series of unfortunate events.

Firstly the camel was presented with a cloth on its back, denying the French public the opportunity to determine whether it had one hump or two and causing fierce debates on radio phone in programmes.

Next the animal screeched so loudly during the gift ceremony that no-one could hear M Hollande, who apparently promised to ride the animal regularly.

M Hollande wanted to bring the camel back to France and have it vaccinated but his officials warned him of the complexity of such an arrangement, so he left the animal with a family in Timbuktu.

Finally, the family in Timbuktu ate the camel after cooking it in a Tagine!

Experiences

I was using my new laptop last night and tried to Skype sister-blog in Switzerland. The programme would not let me dial the number but instead threw up a dialog box which read,
"We are improving your Skype experience".
After two minutes it shut itself down. Does this mean I am getting the better Skype experience by not using it I wondered.

Keep watching

The most exciting thing to happen in Mr Blog's life lately occurred today. He was out in the garden for the first time since the second Ice Age started this spring cleaning up the leaves left by last autumn. Borders council do not accept that gardeners have garden waste at this time of year and so, have a policy of not trying to collect it. This means Mr Blog has to scoop the leaves in cheap Sainsburys refuse bags (the ones that tear when you look at them) and transport them to the recycling centre.

All was going well with nine bags of bin liners filled with leaves when Mr Blog turned round and found that the remaining roll of 13 bin liners was nowhere to be seen. The only reason for writing about it, is that, as regular readers will know, the last thing that got lost in the garden was Mr Blogs glasses. The glasses turned up several weeks later when he ran over them with a lawnmower.

20,000 hits

Two years and 188 posts later, Drivel and Wisdom has now had twenty thousand hits! When I started this blog two years ago I had no idea there was such a demand for such inane writing. Thanks to all the readers who keep coming back. If you want to receive a free update of new posts - enter your email address in the space above!

Sinister Blog

Last weekend the Blogs took a trip to the Highlands. With the forecast saying snow was likely, Mr Blog had an attack of common sense and put a spade in the boot. In the end the weather was not so bad that a spade was needed, but there were a couple of cars that had spun off the road so it was better to be safe than sorry.

This weekend I took Daughter-Blog to the leisure centre. The spade was still in the boot next to my gym bag. When I retrieved my gym bag, Daughter-Blog spotted the spade. Given her youth and exposure to American drama on the large and small screen she assessed the situation instantly...
"Are you going to kill someone Dad?"

No job no money

Last week I wrote about how Frank had got my job, today I have no money either. Not strictly true, I have money but I cannot get it.

I was in London last week and, as usual, made extensive use of my RBS Credit Card. That was until I lost it. I searched all the usual places, my wallet and my wallet. Having no success I then decided to do the sensible thing and ring RBS to cancel it. They obliged with a minimum of fuss and arranged for the new card to be sent out.

"If the old one does turn up cut it up and destroy it", I was told.

Two minutes after putting the phone down I did and I didn't. I found the card in my pocket where I had put it but chose not to destroy it.

This morning I remembered the sage advice of the voice from RBS and, armed with scissors, I set about my redundant credit card. Only after the first slash did I realise that I was in fact destroying my perfectly good Debit Card. So I have a three day wait (at least) before I can get money out of an ATM and no RBS credit card.

30 years in financial services means I do have a plan C..... car washing for cash.

Mr Blog needs a job!

The rules for electing a Pope are quite clear, it can be any Catholic male who has been baptised. Mr Blog fitted this criteria and was quietly confident, until last night.

Whilst the Cardinals are always front-runners, Mr Blog has his own international following.  This drivel is read in countries as diverse as Russia, Iran, France, Latvia and Isle of Man. Mr Blog could have been a voice of reason, a voice of unity, a source of humour and his artwork could have adorned the walls of the Sistine chapel.

But it is not to be. There wasn't even the courtesy of a phone call to tell Mr Blog that Frank got the job!

Mr Blog is off to the Job Centre! 

Neo-Luddite

Mr Blog has had enough of technology.

Today, having ventured through snow and blizzards to get to Edinburgh, he bought a new laptop. Being up to the minute on technology is an impossible task since they (usually Microsoft) change everything every week To combat this ignorance I spent an age on the home PC yesterday checking reviews and specifications.

I found just what I wanted a Lenovo G580, very reasonably priced, with a 6GB RAM, 1 TB of hard drive, USB 3 and USB 2, integral webcam, 2 yr John Lewis guarantee. All I needed to ask the assistant in the shop was about the software I needed to add to it.

The assistant told me all about Office 365 which I did not need. He also told me that I was going to have Windows 8, whether or not I wanted to, because it was the only operating system they had (without spending a fortune on a Mac). I could not stay with Office 2010 because they don't do that any more, you have to have Office 2013. All in all that meant getting use to a brand new operating system and at least five new programme updates. Thanks Bill! Regulars might remember my problem with Bill Gates in Clock Chaos 2.

So I have wrestled all day trying to work out the simplest thing - how do you switch off a laptop when using Windows 8? There is no start - shut down option!! I eventually had to use another PC to search on Google because there were no instructions/help function etc. 

The answer for anyone out there struggling with the same problem is.... hover over the right hand of the screen with the mouse, select settings- power options-turn the bloody thing OFF!!

Why cant I buy a new machine with Windows XP and Office 2007?

Dream Jobs

Earlier this afternoon I received a phone call from someone on the Indian sub-continent. Usually such phone calls, where the number is blocked, relate to PPI claims which I don't have. This one was different.

"Can I speak to Mrs Nilson"
"This is Mr Leeson"
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"Very well thank you. How are you!"
"I am great thank you sir. How many years were you in nosey jobs?"
"Sorry??"
"How long have you been in nosey jobs?"
I must admit that despite my keen interest in communication with people of different cultures I was struggling.
"Nosey jobs?"
"Yes!"
Then the penny dropped, this was a firm chasing injury at work claims
"I have never had a Noisy Job."
"Bye bye".

There is no hope!

Five minutes ago I was looking for my reading glasses in order to scan the paper and possibly try the Times Jumbo Crossword.

If it were not for Mrs Blog saying
"They are on your nose!"
I might still be looking for hours.

Chickenshit

Mrs Blog has long been after some chickens. In celebration of a landmark birthday I finally caved in and bought a coop and run for her to keep the little blighters in. Needless to say Mrs Blog is happy and hence the title "chickens hit"!

Irony

Mrs Blog asked me to record a film on Sunday night on our DVD machine so that we could watch it later.  Last night Mrs Blog, Mum-Blog and I sat down to watch this thriller and were highly engrossed in the plot and the acting skills of Denzel Washington when it stopped without warning.

Being technically minded I set about establishing the cause of the problem. After wracking my brains to find the answer it suddenly dawned on me that switching the DVD player off before I went to bed on Sunday might have had something to do with it.

The name of the film....

"Unstoppable"