Misnamed vehicles

Just back from a tortuous drive along a single carriageway road in the Highlands. I am left with a question,
"Why do makers of campervans call them "Swift"????"

Vodafone go for world record

Yet again Vodafone have qualified for a blog. This time it was a different conversation but teh same Vodafone logic...

"My phone is getting no signal"

(after checking)

"The mast is being repaired and will take six days to fix." (repeated three times in a Dutch accent despite it not being a recording but a real person).

"I would like to access my messages please by dialing my mobile number from a landline But I cannot remember the PIN."

"No problem. We can send you a new PIN."

"Great! Do you want my email address?"

"No for security we can only send it to you as a text."

"A text? What to the mobile number that isn't working cos you're fixing the mast?"

"Yes"

Rude awakening

In my life many things have cause me to be woken in the night including,

• Polish workers arguing in the street on Tuesday this week at 4.00 a.m.
• Fire alarms in hotels (three times)
• Trains braking suddenly (Caledonian Sleeper)

But I had never thought to be woken as I was last night at 1.30 a.m. by a sound of a wall being slapped. Not once but again and again! Through the blear I discerned Mrs Blog was repeatedly slapping the walls with her hands. 

Mystified, I asked the obvious question, to which she replied, 

"I'm scaring the mice away"!

Lost glasses and lost chicken

Last week started badly. Mrs BLog went out at about 10.00 to ensure that Custard and Mustard (our chickens) were safely asleep in their coop. They weren't. That is, Mustard was and Custard wasn't. The Blog family were turfed out into the cold night air to look for Custard who did not want to be found. Son-blog went to search the park nearby, daughter-blog went up and down the A72 calling. I went for the prickly bushes.

After a few heart-stopping moments I found Custard hiding in a bush below the kitchen window.Clearly unaware of the trouble she had caused nor how close she wato being part of a recipe for Korma.

The following day I could not find my glasses. Regulars will know that this has happened before and they have always turned up eventually. Once in a snowdrift and once in the lawnmower blades.

They duly turned up later in the week when daughter blog found Custard back in the bush trying to hatch them.

She misspoke

Mrs Blog was commenting on the environment over dinner. She said she was keen to minimise her Carbon-Fibre. ????

Borders Life

This week is a big festival week in our home town in Scotland. That means that there is a fair bit of drinking most nights this week.

Hats off to the members of a local organisation of gentlemen who kicked the week off with their dinner on Monday night. A bunch of gents, well dressed and with perfect manners who set the bar for this year's festival. One of their number went back to the hotel where the dinner was held the next morning and asked,

"Did I leave my shoes here last night?"

Great marketing

It has been a bit quiet on the blogging front lately! To end this drought I thought I would share one of the best bits of marketing in the world of Outdoor Camping stores. An enterprising firm published a poster with the following Shakespeare-inspired legend...

"Now is the winter of our discount tents"!

Animal kindness

The other day in the Blog-shire Mustard the chicken was a bit off colour. She had hidden in the coop all day and I wondered if she was broody and needed to be yanked out of it. When I opened the rear door to the coop she made purring sounds. I deduced she was either unwell or had a career ahead as an animal impersonator.

Overcome with a fit of animal-oriented compassion I stroked the poor bird. She stopped purring and starting cooing instead. Encouraged by the thought that she was responding to the affection I stroked her some more. She reacted by dropping an egg out of her rear end!

Am Dram

Mr Blog has become a thespian.

He is appearing in "Shakespeare at Traquair" in Hamlet. One of the cast who plays the ghost had a spot of bother with his costume on the opening night. It appears the arms on his jacket were sewn on back to front!

If you know any tragedian actors with backward facing arms please let me know!!

Age related memory loss

Went to visit eschatology-sister-blog yesterday. She isn't getting any younger and faces the same memory problems we all suffer in mid-life. She had completely forgotten that I was coming so I thought I would honour the occasion with a drawing of her mind...

And now for Sony

As mentioned in the last post Mrs Blog has a phone problem.

Sony Xperia have a website and I was directed to it to log my phone for a repair service. Sadly the website would not let me book a repair. It gave the message "Service unavailable for your device". I wrote back to the person who had emailed and someone else wrote back saying to give them a call.

I did!

Here it goes....

"Have you tried to use our website?"

"Yes it didn't work so I was told to call you."

"No problem. I will get the repair booked in for you." Many minutes later and listening to music while on hold.

"I don't seem to be able to book your phone for repair on our website."

"What can I do?"

"We will send you an email in the next day or so telling what to do."

"But my phone is under warranty. Can't you just get it repaired?"

"No, our website doesn't seem to be working. If you need any more help after this call you can visit our website."

"The one that isn't working?" (Started to giggle).

"If you need any more hlep please visit our website for support."

"The website that doesn't work for you or me?" (giggling quite a bit at this point).

"For any further help pase visit our website. Would you like to complete our telephone customer satisfaction survey after this call?"

"Oh yes please!!" (laughing now)

One can only assume that Orange/EE and Sony are sharing their valuable insights into how to deal with customers

NB: On the survey you are asked how many times you have contacted Sony Xperia to resolve the problem - I discovered that you cannot answer "5" as it only allows once, twice or more than three times!

Orange challenge Vodafone

I have had a rant or two at Vodafone over the years but Orange (now EE) are trying very hard to outdo them for sheer idiocy.

Mrs Blog's phone has developed a fault. I rang Orange and they started off by asking if I wanted to buy "Back-dated" insurance to cover this. As the phone is under warranty till January 2016 that seemed unnecessary.

After ages talking to people at Orange on their "help-line" I was referred to the phone manufacturer Sony (More on them in the next post). Apparently I had to send my phone back to Sony for repair and in the 10-14 days it was gone I would have to buy Mrs Blog a new Orange handset.

Not happy, but faced with no alternative, I set off to the Orange/EE store in Galashiels. The girl there told me she needed to know the SIM card size before she could help me select a suitable handset. As the phone was with Mrs Blog I was unable to comply.

"Never mind," she said. "Try Carphone Warehouse up the street, they know loads about Orange phones and they guarantee to give you the right handset."

Looking like a wally

Last Friday I headed up to Glencoe for a weekend of hill walking. Being in Scotland and given that we are nearly into summer I knew that the weather would be near freezing with real possibilities of snow, hail and sleet.

Half way there I realised I had left my fleece-lined Berghaus jacket at home. Not wanting to miss out on the walking with my chums I needed a solution. The good old Green Welly Stop stocks most items of outdoor kit so I dived in there. On offer was a range of £140 waterproof jackets and a £2.50 plastic poncho.

I learned that the poncho tends to flap about your face in strong winds and does next to nothing to keep  you dry in the process!

And I looked like a total wally!

More Swiss News

As mentioned in the last post, Mr and Mrs Blog were visiting Swiss-Sister Blog last week.

Swiss-nephew-Ben Blog (age 5) wanted to play Thunderbirds. No problem, I am a dab hand at that game having been a similar age when the original series came out. Ben decided he was going to be Thunderbird 2 (my favourite). Here is a picture of what I got to be...

Yep, Tracy Island!

Mrs Blog takes a photo

Just returned from a few days with Swiss-Sis-Blog and family.

Mrs Blog (pictured below) was heartily impressed with the scenery.

She loved the mountains, snow, forests, ancient sights and could not stop photographing them on her "smart" phone. She complained about the glare on the screen so I was not expecting too much in terms of quality. However I was unprepared for the the first fifteen photos looking like this,

It seems she had turned the lens to "selfie" mode!

Anonymous help

Yesterday was Mr Blog's birthday. Having had a few in the past he celebrated with a beer and a couple of glasses of wine. (Alright they were blooming large glasses)

Today in the spam folder there was an email offering to help with my drink problem.! Target marketing or a message from on high??

Hello Russia/Привет Россия

Viewing figures for this blog have shot up lately, driven in part by an increase in Russian followers. In fact for the first time ever Russia tops the month's league table.

To mark this occasion Mr Blog has found a few customs which are prevalent in Russia and which should be shared with the rest of the world...

A woman with empty water buckets coming towards you is considered a bad omen.

A group of two or more people should not walk on different sides of a tree. They should all keep to one side or the other.

Bread should only be cut with a knife, not with your hands. Otherwise, it is said, that your life will be broken. The opposite is held true by some people.

Two or more people should never use one towel at the same time to dry their hands or bodies, or it is said to bring conflict.

A stranger should not look at a newborn baby before it is a certain age (between two months and one year). If one looks at the baby it is considered bad luck to compliment it. Instead, one could say, “Oh, what an ugly child!”.

It’s good luck to trip on your left foot.

More incomprehensible conversation

Having been befuddled by Mrs Blog's directions to the car park last week the same thing has happened again.

Yesterday Mrs Blog asked, "You know Karen, the one you don't know?"

What possible answer is there to that?

Directions you can't possibly follow!

A couple of days ago Mrs Blog insisted that we drive to nearby Penicuik to go shopping. On the outskirts she gave me the following instruction...

"Park in the car park that isn't the Aldi car park."

I said nothing and by some miracle seem to have ended up parking the correct car park! I was left wondering what would happen if Mrs Blog was booking our holiday...

"We'd like a holiday for two in the country that isn't Germany" perhaps?

Grumpy on a guitar

I have been teaching myself the acoustic guitar for a while now. Thinking to myself that it would be useful to get some expert help I went on to YouTube.

The search for guitar exercises threw up "A !5 minute Guitar Exercise" video...it lasted 8 mins 37 seconds!!!