Language learning No 3

Thanks again to Duolingo for their endless supply of Polish translations.

I promise this is real...

Translate into Polish "Why did you buy that fat penguin?"

You have to assume the following,

1. You will need this phrase on a visit to Poland
2. There is a thriving trade in penguins in Poland
3. Usually people buy slim penguins in Poland
4. Buying a fat penguin is likely to lead to questions being asked

Language learning No 2

 Following on from my discovery that people learning Polish on Duolingo will need the phrase "When I was cleaning your room  I found a knife" I began to wonder if Poland might be a slightly lawless country.

That view was reinforced when Duolingo asked me to translate into Polish...

"Stay here and don't take anything!"

(Stick with this - it  gets better!)

Mrs Blog is a Footie Fan

Following the sad passing of the football legend, Pele, Mrs Blog questioned my assertion that he was the only player to have won three world cups. 

"What about the other one? Whatsisname... the one who used his hand... Armadillo ?"

(Sorry Diego!)

Advert Algorithm Attacks

Several years ago I began to fall victim to a rather unpleasant advertising algorithm

It clearly knew I had retired early and was therefore of a "certain age" - it pestered me with adverts for incontinence solutions.

Recently it has upped its game - myriad clips of warden assisted apartments.

Then yesterday, it knew something I didn't. I became alarmed. Why do I need to see adverts for "Caring Cremations"?

Language learning No1

This is likely to be a recurring theme of blog posts - it has been road-tested on the Sussex-blog-boys and met their high standards.

During lockdown I decided to learn a little Polish. Being tight-fisted I turned to the free app - Duolingo. (Being a free app, it isn't hampered by the inconvenience or cost of someone checking the content so it provided some interesting phrases to be translated).

"When I was cleaning your bedroom I found a knife"

Makes you wonder about holidays in Kracow...more on this shortly!

Confusion at the end of the world

The Blog-Family were talking about which film to watch this evening. The decision was made more on the basis of what we weren't going to watch...mainly due to Mrs Blog...she decided that,

"Bad Max" was not appropriate. 

Because...

"It's a film about an apoplectic world"

Religious Confusion

Since lockdown has blighted any attempts to be physically present at church on a Sunday we have been using the livestream option.

Son-blog, being an almighty techy, has found out how to add live subtitles to the feed. Sadly (or not) the programme it uses doesnt recognise the Scottish accent of people brought up in Loanhead (i.e our priest).

This week we discovered that heaven is a place of light refreshments and last week we were told that the story of Noah was in the book of "Excellence"!

Mechanical Challenges

I know little about cars and how their engines work. My feelings of inadequacy were eased a little this week when the best mechanical brains of JRD motors were flummoxed.

My car has a warning light system for everything except the second coming. The warning lights started to go on one by one. First it was the big orange engine telling me my "Eco system" was faulty. Then the Stop/Start light came on telling me it wasn't working, even though it was. After that, the oil warning light lit up and told me to take the car to the workshop. I booked it in and was told the car would be "ok" to drive for a day or two. Two days later on the way to JRD another warning light came on.

JRD have never been beaten by any challenge I have given them, so I knew the car was in safe hands.

At 11.30 am the receptionist called to tell me they had found the fault...it was still running around the workshop and the office being chased by three full grown mechanics.

Yep!! 

A full grown (and I mean full grown!) rabbit had taken to building a nest in the bumper recess in the engine compartment.

Unbelievieably it had survived two journeys to Galashiels and back - a total of 72 miles.

Seemingly it had been eating the wires of the sensors.

After a brief appearance on the JRD Motors Facebook page it was released unharmed miles away from my car.

The end may be nigh-er than I thought!

Hot on the heels of the last post, (which was a thinly disguised attempt at self-preservation by increasing the pool of witnesses), I have reason to believe that Mrs Blog may have decided to sub-contract the job of polishing me off.

On Saturday morning she confided that our two adult children, Zoltan and Adolf, should be doing more chores during lockdown while staying with us. Foolishly I agreed with her!

Later that morning, Adolf-Son-Blog wandered into the lounge announcing he had been given a chore by his mother...

"Where is the hatchet, Dad?"

(It wont be long now)

 

The end is nigh!!!

Help!

If you dont hear from me after April 2021 please contact the local CID.

By way of background, I believe my life is in danger. 

Six weeks ago I fell down the stairs and landed on my ankle ending up in A&E. Only now am I able to think about getting back to running so it wasn't a mere bruise. I wasn't pushed...but I was a wearing a pair of slippery slippers that Mrs Blog gave me as a Christmas present.

Three weeks ago I was in A&E again having stitches put into my hand. I had been de-boning a chicken and an extremely sharp knife sliced through it like a hot knife through the proverbial butter. The knife was an anniversary gift...from Mrs Blog.

My birthday is in April and I am dreading it!!!

Hot water!

 A conversation from the Blog-household recently...

Daughter Blog (DB) "The kettle has just boiled don't switch it back on!"

Me "OK"

(Not trusting DB on water temperature I wandered off to wait till the coast was clear before making a cup of tea)

Five minutes later....

DB (From a different room) "Eugh!!! Cold coffee!"

Under-height Giraffes

 The Times has come up trumps again! As regulars will know they often do. Once in a while they carry a story that makes you smile.

In case you missed this week's here it is.

Animal loving scientists in Africa have discovered two under height Giraffes born separately over hundreds of miles apart.

The normal Giraffe apparently reaches around 16ft plus when fully grown. These new additions have been struggling to get much above 9ft, not much higher than the world's tallest man.

What did the researches call the first little fella?? 

Haunted by needles

All the talk of Covid 19 vaccines and Flu vaccines has forced Mr Blog to deal with haunting memories of teenage injections.

From the age of 12 I started having hayfever injections. This was a major development in treatment and the three fortnightly shots gave me whole summers of relief. By the age of 15 I was a seasoned regular looking forward to benefits of my tenth treatment. When I pitched up I was told of a new procedure. 

"The Doctor doesnt administer the injections any more, you'll be seen by a nurse."

"No problem," I replied.

Several minutes later I was ushered into the treatment room by a stunning looking young nurse. I resolved not to let myself down in front of her. I knew the drill so I acted as nonchalantly as I could. i dropped my trousers, my boxers and bent over just as I had nine times before. 

The nurse turned round and said,

"Oh! These go in the arm!"

I discovered two things that day,

1. You cannot look nonchalant in all situations
2. Some memories are so seared into your mind you will never forget them

Convenient Coffee

Today we ran out of coffee. Not any old coffee but Daughter-blog's favourite coffee - New Mexico Pinon. (No I'd never heard of it either!)

Unable to standy by and see her suffer, I logged on to my best friend, Mr Google. He quickly showed me I could buy 350g of the stuff for the bargain price of £45. Stunned, I did some more research. It seems it sells in the US for a less stunning $11 so either "The Don" doesn't want us to have it or Boris has slapped a tariff on it. 

Undeterred I checked for retailers nearer to home. 25 miles or less to be precise. Google duly pointed me to "Cost Plus World". Yippee! 

Except that Cost Plus World is in Oakland, California. 

Being one for precision I wanted to know just how much more than 25 miles that might be from the Blog-house...

Yes...5,053 miles. By my reckoning I could walk there at a brisk pace in just over two years as long as I dont take a day off. 

If the next post you read is dated 2024 you'll know I'm just back.

Renamed

 

Sometimes you follow a line of logic that seems sensible at the time. Then it bites you on the backside.

Today was one of those days.

We have a tradition in the Blog-House of having a curry on Christmas Eve. The cooking of said curry is done by me. I noticed we were out of base-sauce and the necessary home-made curry powders so I set about making them this morning.

Mrs Blog, correctly spotted that the vast amounts of Tumeric involved represented a clear and present danger to my one and only white shirt. Despite wearing an apron with "Wifey" on it she thought I was under-protected. She wanted to run upstairs and grab an old T shirt for me to change into. 

Logic suggested that having her "run" up the stairs would do her dodgy knee no good at all. So...I took my white  shirt off, put on the the apron again and carried on.

Thirty minutes later Mrs Blog was in Sainsburys and ran into our friends the Kipford-Couzen-Blogs. They had been dropping off Christmas cards around the town and remarked,

"Was he cooking bare-chested?" 

"Yes" said Mrs Blog

"Better call him the naked chef!"

I tried to draw the scene...

Algorithms and Adverts

 As I am sure you are aware clever people have been designing algorithms to enusre you see adverts that truly appeal to you. This is based, apparently, on how you use the internet. 

I strongly suspect that someone has invented one that reads my blog. I deduced this from an advert that appeared minutes ago on my email account. It must have been reading my last few posts and decided it knew exactly what Mrs Blog wanted for Christmas...

...the email heading was "Ideal gifts for her"...

...the sender was ...

BORDERS GUNS! 

I kid you not.

Where's Wally?

In a recent post I referenced "Where's Wally?" which seems to have precipitated something in Mrs Blog.

Below is a detailed picture of the bedroom. See if you can find my golf trousers...

I ask this because I struggled. (It was an hour before my game was due to tee off)

In the drawer of the chest of drawers where they are normally found? No

In any of the other drawers? No

Under the bed? No

On top of the bed? Clearly...No

Hanging up in a cupboard? No

Downstairs on a radiator, clothes horse, in the washing machine or on the clothes line? No

In the lounge, bathroom, dining room, kitchen? No

In desperation I texted Mrs Blog.

Where were they?? 

Under the bloody duvet! Doh! The first place I should have looked!

Technology Old and New

Mrs Blog has been on a learning curve with modern technology. She has moved on from a mere laptop to an IPad and has few problems worthy of mention.

Whilst she has been making leaps forward on this front, it has affected her grasp of old-fashioned technology.

Last week she was seen trying to charge up her library book.

This post could go up every day!

 

If you've ever read "Where's Wally?" this could be right up your street.

This week I spent a fruitless five minutes looking for my reading glasses.

See if you can find them in the complext scenario reproduced below...

Being kind

I think I'm in trouble

Ever since lockdown started the Blog Kids have been home. Mrs Blog likes to encourage them to be nice to everyone (she long ago gave up on me).

Last week a card appeared stuck to a cupboard in the kitchen at eye-height. It reads...

"Spread kindness like peanut butter"

I added, "with a knife"!

More confusion from DB

Daughter-blog (DB) was with us when we went to Kelso this week. Given the last post she needed a break from technology.So we found ourselves at Floors Castle (The Duke of Buccleuch's gaff) in the twee tea rooms. Having ordered a selection of home-cooked goodies we sat waiting with eager anticipation.

A toasted sandwich and a quiche-sort-of thing turned up which we knew they were for DB and Mrs Blog. To end any doubt DB offered the following helpful guidance...

"I'm the tart!"

Mixing up the dates

 

It has been far too long since I blogged. 

My children are home due to various lockdown restrictions and have, many times, implored me to start again, so here goes.

(Thanks to daughter-blog (DB) I am amassing the much-needed material for posts).

Not able to go out and meet eligble bachelors in Edinburgh DB has been busy using modern technology.

She logged on to a site which promised to expand her social circles. Undoubtedly the site is host to millions of suitable young men in Scotland. Sadly DB will never know. 

She put in the wrong gender on her profile and provided countless men with what I can only assume was ... disappointment.

More confusion and comedy

Mrs Blog has had a bad day so far.

Earlier this morning she enquired of the Greek musical instrument ...the Bazubi

...and then served a comedy bacon roll to BigTomBlog. The comedy was that it contained no bacon!!

Confusion

Last night I found myself confused. The cause was a conversation with Mrs Blog that began with...

"Do you remember that Japanese restaurant in Brighton that you never went to?"

Cream Problems

Hot on the heels of my pill problems comes a problem with creams.

I was eaten alive this week by either,

1. Mosquitoes or,
2. Fleas or 
3. Both

I would not normally bother but the itching was driving me to distraction so I reached for the bite cream. Usually this lessens the itch within a day. However two days later things were no better.

I reached for the cream again. This time with my glasses on.

What I thought was cortysol cream, that i had liberally spread over my dozen bite, wasn cortysol.

It was a cream for athlete's foot. 

Pill problems

Unusually for me I just read the patient information on my pills. Apparently you are not supposed to take Co Drydamol if you are in a coma!!!!

Flour Power

After a prolonged spell of inactivity I am back!

Today saw me trying to make a loaf of bread. As per usual I reached for the bag of flour in the cupboard above me...and that is when things went wrong.

A sneaky bag of gram flour was in the way. I grabbed it, just a little too eagerly. two seconds later I looked like a polar bear. The flour had leaped out of the bag. all over my shirt, trousers, shoes, arm, neck and the floor, diary, bin, Mrs Blog's water bottle and sideboard.

A few curses later I grabbed the vacuum and hoovered up the worst of it. I mopped and wiped the residual evidence and congratulated myself for not smashing anything a fit of temper.

I picked up the vacuum to put it back where Mrs Blog likes to keep it but...

...it opened itself and tipped all the bloody flour back on the floor again. :-)

Aaaargh!!

The sound of silence

For some time I have been planning a podcast on investment. After countless rehearsals I decided to go for it and spend the morning recording.

The sound absorbing panels were in place, the mike was on and the system up and running. From experience I knew that a single recording that could be edited, would be easier and less time consuming than trying to record a perfect episode.

I was wrong.

Two hours of recording this morning yielded not a single second of usable material. Was it the enormity of the task? Overly high expectations on my part?

No. I failed to select the correct sound input - the equivalent of not plugging in the microphone.

Best food for the post-apocalyptic world

Have you ever wondered what the best food is for the post-apocalypse?

It would, ideally, have the longest possible shelf-life. My thoughts had gone no further than tinned goods... until last week. Mrs Blog found a food that makes tins obsolete. What is it?

Beef Jerky!

She read out the sell by date - 2071! A full 52 years.

My ears pricked up. I took the packet and read.

Back to tins I'm afraid. The product code and the date are not the same thing. 😕

Empty promises

All day I waited for the courier who did not turn up. He/she was supposed to deliver an empty box. The plan was that I would fill the box with a laptop, Ipad and projector and return them to the courier. He/she would then deliver them back to my old employer who are the rightful owners.

Why did the courier not turn up? 

Because they didn't think it was worth delivering an empty box!

Bloody bins

You would think that using a recycling bin would be relatively hazard free? Not in the Blog house.

Recently I went to put out the "blue bin" - earmarked for paper, cardboard, plastic and other recyclable waste. All in accord with the Borders Council Thought Police instructions. One of which is that the bin lid must be flat.

I notice our lid was propped up by one bag too many shoved in to the blue bin. "Easy" I thought, "Simply shove the bag in further".

I did.

It burst.

The (non-recyclable) ashes from our fire were in the bag ...but not for much longer.

I celebrated Ash-Wednesday in style.

Modern medical science

A couple of weeks ago I went for a consultation with an orthopaedic consultant. She suggested that a minor operation was needed to solve a problem in my hand.

"Have you got any questions?" she asked.

"Yes. Will I be able to play the guitar after the operation?"

"Yes, absolutely," she replied.

"Great, I've always wanted to play the gutar!"

Organisation and communication

Just over a week ago I was heading off for a long weekend with a bunch of chums to Naples. We agreed to meet at a local car park at 7.15 a.m. Here is a snippet of the conversation...

"Where's David?" asked Mark

"He thought you were picking him up at his house. But he's on his way here now, walking down the hill."

"His house? I said to be at my house! I'll go get him." Off went Mark in his car.

Several minutes later he reappeared.

"Can't find him. I tried my house but he wasn't there."

"No, he said he was walking down the hill, not to your house."

"Oh, I'll get him on the way down the hill!" Off went Mark.

"Where's Mark going, that's the wrong way?" asked three of us simultaneously.

"David will be nearly here anyway"

Just as Mark was out of sight...David appeared.

"Where's Mark?"

"Looking for you. on the wrong hill."

Uneasyhotels

On our visit to Celtic Connections last week, Mrs Blog and I tried out the cost saving facilities of the Easyhotel.

It seems the cost savings are achieved by packing twice as many rooms into the available space as any other hotel chain. If you have ever been in the toilet on a Boeing 737 or Airbus 319 then imagine the same space...

...with a shower and double bed in it, as well as the loo!

Other space saving initiatives included removing the washer from the tap.

If you like wet feet when you pay a nighttime visit to the little room, this is the hotel for you!

Sadly I couldn't find a supplier of dead cats in Sauchiehall Street and was unable to prove a point to the receptionist.

Celtic Connections

We popped off to Glasgow for a much anticipated concert last week. The Blogs are great fans of Celtic music and Celtic Connections seemed destined to fit the bill.

The organisers had decided to invite an orchestra from North West Spain. (I can only surmise that Galicia was once part of Dal Riada). The orchestra brought a small choir with them who sang about seagulls. The song didn't have any words and seemed to be more of a group impersonation of seagulls fighting over a bag of chips on the seafront at Aberdeen.

Still the Galicians seemed to have a ball. One of them thanked us for the "worm welcome"

...and then thanked us for "our enery". Sadly they didn't specify which one. Still a good time had by all!

I love Dutch people!!!

In the Times today there is a report of a Dutchman being arrested in the Netherlands. He was on probation when he caused a disturbance at his ex-wife's house. When he arrived at the police station he pulled out of his pocket a "get out of jail free" card from a monopoly set. Apparently the officers had a laugh and locked him up.

What an end to the year...

Last night Mrs Blog was addressing me in conversation. She stumbled over the choice of calling me "Richard" or "Sweetheart". The result was...

"Retard"

Happy New Year!

Christmas is coming

On Friday (the 14th of December) I asked Mrs Blog if I should open the window on the advent calendar. We had agreed previously that I should open the even numbers.

"No need. I opened it," she replied.

"But it's the 14th - an even number and that should mean I open it."

"Well, you missed out yesterday."

"What?"

Sometimes life in the Bloghouse is a real struggle.

Swimming like a pro...

Recently, on the advice of my doctor, I went back to swimming. Having swum before I was aware of the unpleasantness of chlorinated water getting up my nose, in my eyes and in my ears. So I equipped myself with a Speedo nose clip, Speedo goggles and a cheap pair of ear plugs.

This afternoon I went in to the pool and swam 20 m ...like a pro! Having reached the other end of the pool, I took time to adjust my equipment and managed to shove the ear plug so far in to my right ear that it got wedged. I panicked and tried desperately, and without success, to un-wedge it.

It was so bad that I had to eat humble pie and ask the 12 year old pool attendant with the curly hair to help.

Humiliation doesn't describe it!

News!

As regulars know, I occasionally find something in The Times that needs sharing.

Yesterday they carried the story of a dog that sniffed out explosives in the army. (The dog saw active service in Afghanistan but is now retired). Our four-legged hero had been on the battlefield going ahead of the infantry, which makes his name as hazardous as the explosives he was looking for...

He was called..."Fire"

Is this Wembley?

Mr and Mrs Blog have just had one of those conversations...sitting in two different rooms...

"What time are you seeing the doctor on Wednesday?" she asked.

"Twenty past nine!" I bellowed back.

"It's alright I already have one."

"????"

(She thought I said "Do want some wine")

Don't get old!!!

Some senior moments are worse than others, far worse.

Last weekend I was getting out of a car in the dark and reached for my hat. So far so good. I put it on and then I reached for my gloves. Nothing, they were nowhere. I felt around with my hand, knowing that I had put them on the seat next to me. Nothing. Time to switch the light on! Nothing.

Then I took my hat off...and found my gloves had spent the last five minutes on my head!

 Why is life so difficult?

Online anomalies

I had an idle moment.

Ok...a very idle moment.

I found a video on You Tube entitled "How to fall asleep in two minutes".

It lasts 7 mins 24 seconds!

Back problems

As Mr Blog ages bits that used to work perfectly well suddenly stop doing so. Lately it has been the turn of my back.

The Osteopath suggested treating the problem with ice. So I did.

Having used up all the ice cubes in the tray this morning, I refilled it with water and popped it back in the freezer.

Two hours later the ice cube tray was empty.

Mrs Blog had found it and concluded that the only reason that there was water in the ice cube tray was because the freezer was broken. She diligently removed the ice cube tray, throwing away the contents and left absolutely everything else in the freezer (which she thought wasn't working).

Mission Impossible

Recently Mr and Mrs Blog were on holiday in Barcelona. Being fairly adventurous we tried out the local Metro system which uses a very similar gate-entry system to our very own London Underground.

Mrs Blog struggled a little with gate. First trying the ticket one way, then another, turned it over ...
and realised it was the keycard for room 318, Ibis Hotel.

A journey of discovery

Had a trip to Glasgow on the back roads through the countryside this week. I was trying to get there in good time for a meeting and learned the following,

• Thursday is slow lorries day
• When you overtake the slow lorries you haven't seen the last of them
• Some farmers don't keep their cattle in the fields but let them roam along the road
• I am useless at rounding up stray cattle
• Drivers of slow lorries are even worse at rounding up stray cattle
• The farmer who owns the stray cattle has a lie in on "Slow-Lorry-Thursday"
• After waking the farmer up I was behind the slow lorries again

Family visits

Recently I went to stay with the Yorkshire-blogs. It was one of those "expected visits", by which I mean they were expecting me. I knew this because we had emailed several times to that effect and I was reassured by the replies.

However, on arriving at "Chaos Towers", (home to Eschatology-sister-blog (ESB)), I discovered, unexpectedly, that I was not expected. ESB had decided to go off with Swiss-sister-blog for a day's shopping.

Bewildered-Tom-blog and nephew-Tom-blog were in the dark. Worse still, they decided after just thirty minutes in my company, that they would much rather drive 70 miles to go and watch Incredibles 2 at a distant cinema.

I found myself on my own dog-sitting for most of the evening debating with a Tibetan Terrier which of us was to blame!

Memory test

Mrs Blog and I enjoy the odd box set. We recently settled down to watch a couple of episodes of a police drama.

"Was it on Netflix or BBC IPlayer?"

"Don't remember."

"What was it called?"

"Don't remember."

We tried looking on both under the "continue watching" section. The program...

"Unforgotten."

Hard truths

In a meeting at work in Glasgow last week I was having a discussion about personal development with a financial adviser.

"They say you should stretch yourself by doing something that scares you every day," she said.

"I scare myself just by waking up!" I replied.

"...and looking in the mirror?" she added.

I waved a flag of surrender.

Measured responses

Mrs Blog has been suffering with her knees. More accurately it is just one of her knees that is causing a problem. Last Thursday she was showing me both knees and asking if I thought the left one was swollen compared to the right one.

"I'm not sure, have you tried measuring them?" I replied, rather helpfully.

"It's a bit difficult with the ruler," she said.

The value of punctuation

Earlier this week I was at Kinross Services (living the dream).

I spotted a sign on a faulty machine which read

"Out of order management"

...and thought "I could name a few of them!"

Siriously

Since I acquired an Iphone and found it can connect to my car dashboard my eyes have been opened. I can simply speak my commands to the posh English woman in the ether who then executes them...usually.

Yesterday I was showing Mrs Blog how it all worked. The phone was plugged in to the usb connection and we were ready.

"Siri, destination Crail,"I said.

"I cannot provide directions to Trail, Canada."

I tried again, adding Scotland after Crail.

"Searching for directions to Thailand."

"Siri, are you in a bad mood?"

"I am here to help you."


Back to map and compass or ...elocution lessons?

Drug mistakes

Yesterday I was in the kitchen where Mrs Blog keeps her laptop. It is a messy laptop. I noticed that her browser had a couple of open tabs and couldn't help spotting the title on one of them read,

"Rolling Your Joints"

It is hard enough to get Mrs Blog to take an aspirin so I was a little surprised at the idea of her developing a cannabis habit. However, it seems it was the title of a yoga video!

Good News

Yes, at last!!

Our windows no longer need a window cleaner on a daily basis...look!

Spotless!

"Love-lorn Larry" the Long-tailed Tit has either,

1. found a girlfriend! or,
2. got a pair of glasses

(If none of this make sense please check out earlier posts)

A hard week...

After a hard week at work, which included trips to Edinburgh. Inverness and Newcastle, I was looking forward to getting home to relax.

Little did I know!

Mrs Blog, for reasons of her own, decided to test me out by putting four of these....

In one of these...

If it is a while before the next post I hope you will understand!

Strange Veg

After a hard day driving to Carlisle and presenting on the world macro-economic situation i was a little distracted by the time I got home.

Mrs Blog was telling me about tea and I heard,

"...with twenty stone Broccoli."

Apparently I should have heard "Tender Stem Broccoli".

Mr Blog's Stiff Upper Lip

I have a stiff upper lip. To be honest I have always wanted one. Our predecessors had them and they helped them see of the Nazis in the second world war.

Sadly mine wont. It is not that sort of stiff upper lip.

Mine is the result of a mix up with Mrs Blog. She offered to pick up some shopping for me and on my list was gel. Instead of shaving gel I have now got a large tube of turbo-max-strength hair gel...and a stiff upper lip.

Long Tailed Tit

You might remember this fella. He was bashing his brains out on our windows two weeks ago. (See post "Bird Troubles". After two weeks of him not finding a mate he is still pelting our windows constantly, all day, every day! So please...

1. Does anyone have a spare female long tailed tit?
2. A solution to stop this guy needing a head injury assessment? and,
3. The name of a good window cleaner?

PS you can follow this inane drivel automatically be putting your email address in the box below

Coffee Art

I enjoy a good cup of coffee and in particular a flat white or a cortado, both of which come with coffee art. The quality of the art naturally varies according to the experience of the barista. I have seen some truly remarkable tulips and even a pumpkin over the years. Recently, however ever I was treated to a piece of art that left me speechless. It was produced by very experienced Costa-Mike-Blog and at first I thought it was the worst attempt at a tulip I had ever seen. Then he explained...

"It's a jellyfish"

Genius!

Daughter-blog rewrites the Bible

At the same dinner mentioned in the last post Daughter-blog disgraced herself and started a new religion in the same sentence. She was describing what would happen at the Easter Vigil mass that evening and said,

"There'll be a reading from the book of Gemini."

Wherein we discover that Judas was a Scorpio?



(Acknowledgement: Beth=blog)

Feeling very old

Last night I was at dinner in Edinburgh with the blog family and friends. Somehow we found ourselves talking about a pew we used to own and kept as an outdoor bench. I mentioned that in the early days of the Church, (meaning over a thousand years ago), there were no seats in Christian churches except for a handful for the infirm or the elderly.

That prompted a friend of daughter-blog, called "Lara-I-am-not-a-spy-blog" to ask,

"Do you remember those days?"

Happy Easter!

Communication problems

Last week I was in Aberdeen for a meeting with a prospective client. The client, who was from Fraserburgh, wanted to invest money for his grandchildren... or so I thought.

"Ah want to put the barbies in a trust!" he told me.

I looked blankly back.

"The micks! I want to put the micks and the barbies in a trust for the wains!" he told me again.

I carried on looking blank. Nothing in my extensive career in financial planning had prepared me for the investment of "micks and barbies" into anything.

Was this some racist slur against people from Ireland I wondered? Why could he not just give the dolls to his grandchildren without a trust? Why indeed did he have a collection of dolls in the first place? Why did he think I was an expert in dolls?

After several confusing minutes it was explained to me, by a translator, that micks and barbies were in fact money in Fraserburgh.

Bird troubles

For the last fortnight the blog-house has been under attack. Our attacker is a diminutive long-tailed tit. He has taken to headbutting the kitchen window for hours at a time all through the day. Our best efforts to dissuade him have met with no success.

Mystified by this behaviour I went on the interwebtube in search of answers. I have discovered that,

1. Long-tailed tits breed about this time in Scotland
2. The males like to chase off rivals with aggressive displays during the breeding season
3. Long tailed-tits are short-sighted

Conclusion: Our bird-brained buddy is seeing his reflection in the window and is spending all day trying to scare it off.

In case you have the same problem here is what they look like.

Another can't stop myself post

If you hated the last post then don't read this one.

Last night Mrs Blog was chatting with her friend Dibdob-blog. I overheard a snippet about someone who was brought up in a remote house halfway up a mountain. Said person came home from school one day to find that their father had removed the front door.

It was too good an opportunity to miss,

"Was he unhinged?" I asked.

Sometimes I can't stop myself...

I was talking to a financial adviser yesterday about the merits or otherwise of property investment. The adviser mentioned that he was pleased with a property he had bought which was a music studio.

Before I could stop myself I asked, "Was that a sound investment?"

A trip to Orkney

Here is what I learned on a business trip to Orkney...

• The views are rubbish in the dark
• There are no taxis at the airport
• There isn't much of an airport at the airport 
• You cannot get a taxi before 6.00 am
• The ferry leaves for Scrabster at 6.30 am
• To catch the ferry, leaving from Kirkwall, you need a taxi before 6.00 am
• Taxis are terrified of the barmaid in the Bothy bar
• When you get to Scrabster there are lots of policemen
• No-one is supposed to know why there are lots of policemen in Scrabster
• Everyone in Scrabster knows why there are lots of policemen there
• Wick is a small airport
• A two hour delay in wick airport feels like a two week delay

Bloody BA!

On a jaunt to London, BA decided to cancel my return flight due to adverse weather. 

They cancelled it more than 24 hours BEFORE the weather! I rang to remonstrate with them. 

They told me that the flight an hour before my cancelled flight was not cancelled! Nor was the one an hour after!

Either they have better forecasters than anyone else on the planet, with pinpoint accuracy of a one hour snow window or...they are hiding something. 

I have complained and will update when I get a reply, assuming it isn't held up by an icy blast or sent to Toronto by mistake.

Swimming

For fear of incurring the murderous wrath of Mrs blog, I nearly didn't write this one! (See previous post)

Mrs B went for a swim last week and on arriving at the pool, was unable to find her swimsuit. She went home to look for it. No joy. 

It turns out ... she was wearing it!!

Near death experience

Last Saturday Mrs blog pulled in to the local garage under the pretext of allowing me to buy a Costa coffee at the express machine. In order to get to the shop door I had to walk in front of the car. She took her chance and drove straight at me.

If I go silent again for an extended period with no blogs, tell the Rozzers!!!

Back smiling again

After BT's attempts to ruin my Christmas I am back smiling. The cause of the change in mood is down to a tweet of a text conversation as follows,

"I am here for you."

"Thanks that means a lot. I have been going through a tough time lately."

"Sorry, who is this?"

"Your Uber driver."

BT ruining my Christmas

One thing I hate about being over 50 is that big organisations seem to start picking on you and then treat you like an idiot when you complain. Regulars will be acquainted with previous bete noirs - Vodafone, Talk Talk, and so on. This time it is the turn of BT.

About 6 weeks ago I changed my TV/Broadband/Phone from Talk Talk to BT. Since then the TV has not worked...at all. Here is the saga so far,

1. I tried the online help instructions on their website...it cut off my broadband
2. I went on to the online chat...three agents cut me off after coming up with the same checks as the online help page (all of which assumes that any fault must be with the broadband even though the TV signal comes through the aerial and NOT the broadband
3. I emailed the CEO...he doesn't know anything about broadband or aerials
4. I eventually had a conversation with Dan (not the CEO)...who thought the problem was the broadband
5. When I asked Dan if I was correct in thinking the signal for the TV came through the aerial and not the broadband he agreed...and promised to send an engineer!!

Yippee I thought, action, success...

The engineer has just left telling me that "The problem is to do with the aerial and he cannot help because....he is a broadband engineer!"

AAAAARGH!!!! 

Brain challenges

I was speaking with a female colleague last week. In the conversation she mentioned that her brother had a health scare and had strongly urged her to be seen by a doctor for possible signs of problems with the brain.

She did. And after exhaustive tests she said she was told ..."There was nothing there"!

It took several minutes before she fathomed why I was lying on the floor laughing.

Rude Awakening

Last week I decided to impose myself on Son- and Daughter-Blog and make use of a bed in their flat in Edinburgh.

I bought Son-blog a pint in his local hostelry by way of a "thank you" for him giving his bed up and sleeping on the floor.

He returned the favour by setting his alarm for 5.00 a.m. with a five minute auto-snooze. Not satisfied with the rude awakening, he had managed to use his new IPhone 8 which, it seems is so high tech, he couldn't work out how to switch the snooze off! 15 snoozes later...

Following the signs

A little over a week ago the Blogs were on their way to Sussex and due to be met by Sussex-George-Nephew-Blog at Gatwick Airport.

There are of course two terminals at Gatwick, North and South. To be certain of avoiding any confusion we had emailed to say we would be landing at the North Terminal. After landing we rang S-G-N-B and said,

"North Terminal"

After what seemed like a couple of weeks waiting we rang again.

"I'm here in the car park" he claimed.

"There are two - which one?"

"The one with the blue pillars."

We looked around and saw pillars in the distance that looked blue. Then they went purple. It seems they were lit by LEDs.

Eventually after much conversation. S-G-N-B fessed up, he was at the South Terminal.

What makes it worse? We actually landed at South Terminal.

Teeth

Son-blog has been suffering from dry, chapped and rough teeth.

I know this because...

he's been brushing them with E45 Cream!

Blog Update

You may have been wondering what has been happening in Blog-world lately. If so read on...

1. Son-blog has been guilty of false-imprisonment
2. Mr Blog has been aging badly
3. A new addition has been made to the wider Blog-clan
4. Microsoft have taken away my paint program and given me Paint 3D

Son-blog managed to be so unaware of the house-guest in his flat, (which he shares with sister-blog), that he locked Beth-blog (friend of sister-blog) inside it. Beth-blog missed her train home to Wales and will probably never come back.

Earlier in the week I was in the gym. Plagued as I am by muscle knots, I take a tennis ball with me which I lie on to release the knots. A gentleman in his early eighties was watching me. Eventually he stopped his 350 kg dead-lifts and wandered over.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

I know he was concerned but being asked by a man of advancing years if you are alright that makes you feel thirty years older than you are.

The Sussex-blogs have taken delivery of a new blog...little Oscar currently 5lbs. On checking with Google I discovered that Oscar-blog weighs exactly the same as,

• A Chihuahua
• A Small bag  
• A Table lamp
• A Cooking pot
• And I kid you not...5lbs of sugar or flour

As for Paint 3D, let me know what you think!

Just did something really good...!

Lunch was a pretty dull round of bread and cheese just now. Looked for the cookies and jaffa cakes and realised that the chicken and I ate the last ones yesterday.  Rooting around in a cupboard in found chocolate cornflake cakes which were damn close to their sell-by date of 226 July so I took one for the team and started to eat them. :-)

Customer service training need...

Yesterday, being a largely un-kept bank holiday Monday here in Scotland, found me on the phone to APC, a courier company, trying to arrange for the delivery of a package. (APC said they had tried to deliver it on Friday - if they did they must have gone to the wrong address).

The conversation I had with them went like this...

Me "Hi I'd like to arrange the redelivery of a package."

Spanish sounding man "Hood morning, aff you got dee consignment number?"

I read out what I supposed to be the correct number which was on the email they sent in the subjct line.

"No, no. Dat's not eet. Is a seven digit number."

I looked in an earlier email and found one.

"Five zeros five two."

Spanish sounding man, "No, is must be seven digits."

Me (losing the plot and regaining it), "That was seven....never mind. How about 0,0,0,0,0,5,2."

"Ah yes, dats eet. When would you like delivery?"

"This afternoon between 4 and 6 please."

Spanish chap, "I weel ask the manager."

"Thanks"

Piped music and three minutes later,

"We can't deliver it then."

"Why?"

"We're closed."

Sat Nav 2

Hot on the heels of Bossy Miss Google Maps in the last post....

I thought I had cracked how to use the Sat Nav function on my tablet. I was wrong.

Last Sunday I had to get to Anstruther, a small fishing town, for a sea-kayaking trip. Having never been there I thought I would use the tablet to help. The bossy voice began pretty well, telling me when and where to turn.

With fifteen minutes to go before I expected to be in Anstruther she told me to turn right into Kirk Brae and that I had arrived at my destination. I hadn't. I was in a small village called Ceres 15 miles from the sea.

I checked and found that the bossy voice had added an "interim destination"! Having carefully checked I tried again to get to Anstruther. This is what followed...

• I was taken to St Andrews (the wrong direction)
• I was told to turn left on to a road which was called Lamont Drive but was actually called Bridge Street
• It told me to turn right three times on to roads that were clearly in totally the wrong direction (by now I could see the sea)
• It told me that Anstruther, my destination, was a caravan park two miles south of St Andrews
• I argued with the voice
• The voice didn't listen
• I lost my temper with the voice
• I swore repeatedly at the voice which it ignored
• I made it to Anstruther 

Sat Nav 1

 A couple of weeks ago Mrs Blog and I were trying to get to Dalkeith. Knowing the name of  the street I needed to get to but not knowing the town that well I asked Mrs Blog to open up my tablet and check Google Maps. (A reasonable request in my view).

Mrs Blog decided to experiment with different colours, views and scales of the maps without actually intending to. After some unheated and blame-free exchanges between us, Mrs Blog finally got the map up and typed in the destination.

"I'll get the voice thing up as well," she said.

The voice thing turns Google Maps into a superior but tinny sounding woman who bosses you about when you drive.

"At the next roundabout take the last exit and go back the way you have come," she said.

Being in sight of a sign that said "Dalkeith" straight ahead I decided to challenge Mrs Blog on which destination she had typed in. After another calm exchange we decided that sense of smell was probably better than Google Maps.

We managed to find the place we were going to with little bother ten minutes later. Parked up, I checked Google Maps and found that Mrs Blog had tried to take us to Larkhall - a mere three hour drive in the wrong direction.

EE and Orange .....Aaaargh!!!!

I noticed that Orange (Now part of EE) have been billing me some high costs for Mrs Blog's phone. I tried to access my online account to find out why. Since I last logged on they have changed the system and now need me to enter my account number. They helpfully tell me on the site that this is located on my last bill. Since I went paperless three years ago that is not much use. I waited for the chat help box and duly asked for my account number.

I was given a 9 digit number to go in to an 8 digit space. The chat guy cheerfully confirmed it was the correct number.

I tried later with another chat operative. I got the correct 8 digit number and accessed my account. It had all the statements up until Jan 2016 and nothing beyond.

In desperation I phoned the dedicated EE Orange helpline. The auto-voice-menu asked me twice for my phone number and after the usual (your is important) delays spoke to a young lad. He told my bill was £24 less than I knew it to be so I queried if there were any other Orange accounts in my name. He checked and said "no"! I didn't believe him (I am a cynic after too many years with Vodafone). I demanded he check again and he confirmed again there were none.

"I want to make a formal complaint. You are taking more money out of my account than you believe you should be."

"Hang on I need to check with someone."

"With whom and why?!"

"I need to talk to someone who has access to a system that I don't have."

"What is that system?"

"The Orange system."

"Eh? ??You're telling me that you don't have access to the Orange system, so which system have you been checking?"

"The EE one it's the only one I have."

I'm going to Sainsburys to buy alcohol.....!!!

Major breaking world news

Given all the headlines about world leaders today it is reassuring to see that the London Times has kept a sense of proportion. It carried the following headline today,

"Breaking news about flatulent animals..."

The key facts on the subject are,

1. Tapirs are very noisy
2. Orangutans do so without shame
3. Snow leopards muffle the sound with their floofy (sic) bottoms
4. The copperhead snake squeaks and you are likely to miss it until the smell gets to you
5. Hedgehogs' smell worse when they have eaten cat food

...just in case you missed it! :-) 

Blog Xmas

The blog household was added to this Christmas with the welcome figure of Sussex-granny-blog.

Whilst with us she showed a real concern for incoming email and message alerts...

"I heard a beep. I'll just check my phone to see if I have had a message," she said.

"Nope, not mine. Perhaps it was yours?" she said to son-blog.

It wasn't and nor was it mine, Mrs blog's or daughter-blog's.

After a few minutes of quiet contemplation we heard...

"Ah! It's the battery-alert in my hearing aid!"

Bad Day at the Gym

For some people a bad visit to the gym is one which results in muscle stiffness the next day. For others it is missing out on a personal best on the barbell. For me ....

...it was going there with my sports shorts inside out :-( 

The shame is even worse than the twice weekly trip to the bottle bank!

Heading for divorce 2

A while ago now I posted the first divorce warning in what became known as "Tubegate".

It has been added to by Mrs Blog's behaviour over the last 24 hours. Clearly no content with squeezing the toothpaste tube the wrong way she went further, much further,

I should explain that I am a fan of the Times crossword puzzle. In particular I enjoy the "Jumbo Cryptic Crossword" which appears every Saturday. It is a treat in my life to find a couple of hours of peace and quiet in which to solve the two or three clues that I can actually work out among the seventy odd that appear. Every Saturday I download my digital copy of the Times and go straight to the "Mind Games" section, I click on "email these puzzles" and send them to my laptop for printing. The "Jumbo" fits neatly on one side of a piece of A4 paper.

For years now I have carefully preserved the piece of paper....full size... by my armchair in the lounge. That was until today!!!!

Mrs Bloody Blog got it in her head to fold my crossword in half!! Not even neatly!!!!

Monday may see me at the solicitors.

Mathematics and tips

At a local hotel today I overheard the following conversation while waiting to order a coffee.

"Great that's £2.00 please for the coffee."

"I have a discount card."

"That's 15% off then."

"Can you take it as a tip? You know, take the 15% off for the discount but add it back as tip for yourself?"

"Yeah, no problem. That's £2.30 please!"

Oooops!

Toothpaste tribulations

As regular readers will know, I have been a victim of failing eyesight recently. Whilst bargain hunting in Sainsburys I found an offer for half price Sensodyne toothpaste at £2 and grabbed it. The packaging was unusual, not the usual tube but I thought nothing of it. On closer inspection at home I had bought the "Kids Sensodyne, gentle toothpaste". Hardly worth a mention except...

...last night I went to brush my teeth with the stuff...

...and made the mistake of grabbing the wrong thing...

...I washed my teeth in Dove hand cream and can still taste it this morning!

More from a busy week....

Yesterday (when not dealing with black bricks) I went Edinburgh. On the journey I noticed my washer bottle was in need of replenishing.

At the first opportunity I went into a garage and paid a fiver for a large container of screen wash.

"Where is the water tap?" I asked.

"We don't have one."

I tried another garage a few miles further on. They had no tap either. Suspecting a new post-brexit water tap shortage I formulated a new plan. Into Morrisons and out again toting a huge great bottle of water.

Back at the car I decided to read the instructions to make sure I had the concentration level correct for the - 5 C temperature and read the following,

"Ready to use, no need to dilute." 

Black Brick

Last night at 2.00 a.m. I woke up with a feeling in the pit of my stomach...I had forgotten something. What I had forgotten was now a black brick, a smoking black brick. It wasn't meant to be, it was meant to be a loaf of bread. As I have found out before, when a loaf of bread is overbaked by 5 hours 30 mins it will turn into a black brick.

How did this happen? I was distracted by a programme on television when I had just popped the would-be loaf in the Aga. As a result I completely forgot about it until....

What was the programme that had me so engrossed?

Masterchef.

Chicken Feed

The last post I put up referred to "chicken feed". This may or may not mean something or anything to readers depending on their chicken experiences. For the sake of clarity here is what constitutes chicken feed for the Blogs' chicken...

• Layers pellets
• Corn mix
• Bread
• Rice
• Various fruits
• Jaffa cakes
• Bourbon biscuits
• Abernethy biscuits
• Chocolate chip cookies
• Fairy cakes
• Butterfly cakes

We have a chicken fast heading towards type 2 diabetes running around the garden like a crack addict.

Hissy fit

Am I the only one in this world who is picked on by inanimate objects?

I wouldn't be posting this but in a moment of weakness I promised Mrs Blog that I would. She spotted that the garage was in a little bit of disarray last week. Wondering what could have caused this, she asked me if I knew anything about it.

"Yes," said I, "I was in the garage a couple of days ago trying to get to the leaf blower."

It was leaning on a wall, in front of which, was the garden furniture (safely tucked away after summer). On one of the garden chairs was a heavy sack of chicken feed. Two other garden chairs were expertly balanced one on top of the other. In front of this Tracey Emin-esque work of art was a rake and a box full of black, garden rubbish bags ready to be re-used from last year.

I pulled out one of the garden bags, knowing it would be needed when I started using the leaf blower. Out came three, one of which was full of soggy rotten leaves that managed to fly all over me. I gave up and tackled the furniture picking up the bag of chicken feed. It had a hole in one corner, a bloody big hole, out of which poured a couple of kilos of the stuff. I set it down and went to move the chairs. One of them decided to fall on top of me without warning.

I took my revenge by kicking it and hurting my toe.

Election marketing

If like me, you have had an inbox full of updates about the impact of the Trump election result, you might like this...

Ryanair sent an email advertising a stack of deals, one of which was....

"Comb over to Europe"

Masterchef Audition

Yesterday I went about making an omelette for breakfast as usual. A diagram below of the omelette in question is attached since it will help with the explanation of what happened next.

You can see that I have marked the different parts of the omelette with numbers. This is because the pan was a bit unhelpful and stuck to the omelette in these four places. I tried to loosen the concotion with a spatula but was only partly successful. I realised I had only option - to toss the damn thing.

I did. It didn't work.

Piece 1 ended up in the sink.
Piece 2 wrapped itself around the handle
Piece 3 stayed in the pan
Piece 4 flipped up, hit me and landed on the floor

What did I learn?

• Buy a non-stick pan
• Egg is damned difficult to get off a pan handle
• Mrs Blog thinks I'm "sweet"

Plea for forgiveness

I want to make an apology and appeal for forgiveness.

Yesterday I went to the jet car wash up the road. I loaded the machine with pound coins and set about cleaning off the yew berries and muck that made my car look like a black forest gateau.

After five minutes of concentration I noticed something move out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look at it and it stopped.

"It" was a very large vole.

The reason I need forgiveness is that I inexplicably, with no forethought and no malice intended, pointed the jet wash straight at it.

The result was a very fast moving, very wet, very large vole.

In honour of the poor creature I captured the image below,

Mr Magoo

Yesterday I went to see the optician. I felt my sight was improving for reading but worsening for distance vision.

The optician carried out a series of tests and then agreed with my diagnosis adding that my eyes were "interesting". Today she was proven to be correct.

I made use of a public convenience this morning in the charming small town of Biggar. Having washed my hands I held them under the dryer. Nothing. I wondered if electrical supply might be intermittent, Biggar is a long way from any metropolis. But no the lights were working perfectly. I examined the dryer more closely and discovered it dispensed paper towels.

Should have gone to Specsavers!

Thoughtful Gifts

Last week a team leader (TL) left the project I was working on. It was decided that, because he wasn't a complete plank, that we should have a whip round. With a tidy sum in his paw the organiser went off to buy a present.

It will help to know what the team leader looked like so...

On the final day we huddled around to surprise out TL. And he was suprised ...by the upmarket, gentleman's shaving set!

Pub quiz

Last Thursday I was in a pub in Leeds minding my own business when they started their pub quiz.

A young couple were sat at the table next to me and paid their pound each to take part. First question:

"When is Burns night celebrated?"

They thought about it and thought about it until one of them said,

"I've got it!"

"When is it?"

"November the 5th!"

Ho hum.

Wonders of the wine bar

It has been too long since my last blog. Thankfully Yates' Wine Bar in Leeds came to my rescue last week.

In search of a glass of wine (or two) myself and a colleague popped in to their establishment, and after checking the prices, decided to order a bottle of red. The young barman (pictured below) was wearing what could only be described as fashion-statement oversized glasses.

He wandered off and then wandered back before wandering off again. He repeated this process several times and appeared to be patrolling the length of the bar. No-one else was waiting to be served so we knew we had his undivided attention. After several minutes he came back and said,

"Do you know where they keep corkscrews in wine bars?"

It seems it was his first day. We suggested that behind the bar was probably his best bet and off he went again. Several minutes later we called him back and asked if we could have a glass of wine while we were waiting for the corkscrew to be found.

"Have it on the house," he said. We warmed to him at this point.

He turned around grabbed an open bottle and a measure and... found three corkscrews at the same time. We got our free glass while he opened our bottle. As he pulled the cork from the bottle I said,

"You should have gone to Specsavers!"

He replied,  "I did"

Parking problems

Over the years I have, I freely admit, transgressed parking bye-laws. I have been done for parking on single yellow lines, out-staying my welcome, parking across the white lines of a parking bay and even for having a flat tyre which seemed to upset  Edinburgh Council's finest traffic brains. My accumulated knowledge of parking misdemeanours means I am pretty clued up on the subject ... or so I thought.

I parked in Leeds a couple of weeks ago. Having booked online and paid for the full day I was confident that my car was violation-free. It came as a surprise, when at 5.15, I returned to find a ticket stuck on the window. Eager to see what I had done wrong I ripped open the envelope. The wording was...

"The driver was seen walking away from the car park, leaving his car on the premises."

Call me old-fashioned but I thought that was the whole bloody point of a car park!!

Seemingly, having paid for the day's parking I should have sat in the car from 8.00 till 5.00!!

Important information update

I work from home. Sometimes this can beneficial, I choose my hours, fit work around other things in my life and so on. At other times it can be quite challenging. If a courier turns up and knocks on the door and rings the bell in the middle of a conference call, it can be awkward. Occasionally Mrs Blog bursts in to my office to tell me the latest bit of news, as she did this morning.

"I can't speak, I am on the phone!" I hissed muting the microphone with my chest.

"Oops. sorry!" said Mrs Blog.

Ten minutes later I finished the call and went looking for Mrs Blog to find out what was so important and so urgent that she needed to interrupt my work.

"I wanted to tell you that I've moved the potatoes," she said.