Blog Christmas 2012

The Blogs had a nice quiet family Christmas that was nothing out of the ordinary.

Daughter Blog got up from the dinner table after lunch and laid her paper napkin on the table. It was not only on the table but on the flame of the candle that was on the table in front of her. Mrs Blog called "Fire Fire!", Mr Blog put it out and we survived with the loss of a napkin and a bauble, that was one of several decorating the table, too close to the candle for its own good and which now has a hole in the side of it.

Mr Blog and Son-Blog were the proud recipients of an inspired gift from Boyfriend-of-Daughter-Blog, a pair of Nerf guns with spare ammo. Mrs Blog and Daughter Blog were not as inspired and proved easy targets all day long.

In anticipation of the shortages that arise during a Christmas holiday I had the foresight to make and freeze enough dough for two loaves of bread. Early yesterday I took one lot out of the freezer ready to be cooked that evening. Having proved, knocked-back and second proved the dough I popped it in the oven and showed a huge lack of foresight by not setting the timer. Two and a half hours later the Blogs realised the bread should be ready.

Merry Christmas!

A Tale of the Season

Two days ago I went out to get a "Small Shop" which translates as, I went out and went shopping and spent less than £100. Mrs Blog is a fan of the "Big Shop" which obviously costs more than £100 but also takes most of the afternoon or morning.

Part of my shopping was to buy some Saxa table salt which comes in a cylindrical shaped tub. Mrs Blog favours sea salt but for baking it is impractical. I emptied the boot when I got home and carried my one bag of shopping indoors. Unknown to me, I had left the Saxa table salt in the boot of the car.

Yesterday the Blog-family went to see the "Hobbit" and stopped at Tesco for a little more shopping. Opening the boot to put the new shopping in, I discovered the Saxa table salt. It had burst out of its cylindrical tub and was spread in little mountains all over the boot.

Today I went to the garage and put a coin in the vacuum machine and proceeded to de-salt my boot. It was at this point that I became very self-conscious since I looked something akin to an incompetent drug-dealer hoovering class A drugs out of my car. Merry Christmas!

NB for USA readers:

Boot means Trunk

Saxa are manufacturers of table salt

Tesco is a supermarket

Garage is a filling station

Mr Blog finds his place in life

This morning I was sitting in our lounge, contentedly reading the paper, when Mrs Blog announced that she was going to vacuum the downstairs rooms.

With a fair bit of clattering she yanked our state of the art "Dyson" from the cupboard under the stairs, plugged it in and tried to switch it on. I say "tried" because she only partially succeeded  When she took her foot off the "on" button it stopped. She tried to tap it in much the same way as she clicks the mouse on her laptop when it is running slow. Mrs Blog, you see, is sometimes impatient for a solution.She believes that "stupid" machines will only respond to repeated instructions to do the same thing.

Alas for me her first solution did not work so she employed me for a part of the morning to follow her around standing next to the "Dyson" with my foot on the "on" button button while she vacuumed the relevant part of the house.

Christmas Cards

We are always keen to count our Christmas cards in the Blog-House. It tells us whether or not we are as popular this year as we were last year. Sadly it seems that we are on a bit of a declining trend. This could be due to the economic environment stripping our friends of their hard earned pennies or it could be that I have managed to offend more people with my blog than ever before.

We have been consoled though by one particular card which arrived today. It is a black and white photograph of what I can only describe as Josef Stalin on a camel!!

A Star is Born

Some of the Blog relatives rarely get a mention in these pages. One particular relative-blog who is seemingly put out by this lack of attention is "Immy-Blog" (one of the Yorkshire Niece-Blogs) who asked why she had never appeared in a post when I was with the Yorkshire-Blogs last month.

Said Immy-Blog was curious about my short hair , (number two on the trimmers as an homage to Britney Spears). She queried whether I washed it with shampoo - seemingly she thought there was not enough of it to bother with. Regular readers will know that my hair has been the source of great hilarity in the past (see Extreme Haircuts).

I eventually explained that I used a special shampoo for short hair.

"You have shampoo for frizzy hair, heat-damaged hair, split ends, dry hair and so I use a shampoo for short hair. It is just like normal shampoo but the bottle it comes in is a quarter of the size!"

EasyJet offer in-flight entertainment

Last month EasyJet announced a revolution in air travel. They had, according to the announcement, listened to their customers and decided to offer "allocated seating". Genius! They came to the market with the idea that you did not need "allocated seating" and that a free-for-all-fight was the best way to board a plane.

Some suspicious types might wonder if the change in policy was down to a trial they had run which proved that, on average, it was quicker to board a plane if you had allocated seats. So they could keep to their schedules.

On my first "allocated seat" flight last week I logged on and was faced with the option of paying £3 for choosing my seat. A bargain I thought given that FlyMayBe would charge £6. I even held back from criticising them for the under hand way of milking £3 each way out of my pocket to have an allocated seat - it was worth it I thought. I had assumed that people who did not pay £3 would be subject to the usual free fro all fight for seats. This, I figured, meant I must be getting some sort of priority boarding. In my head I heard the announcement "Flight EZY424 to Bristol is ready for boarding - speedy boarders first then allocated seat boarders".

No. Everyone gets a seat allocated. If you don't pay £3 to choose your seat you get given one for free!!!

In my advancing years I am becoming calmer and more able to deal with this kind of corporate spite. I learned my lesson and ignored the box saying £3 to choose your seat when I went to Bristol yesterday. I found I got an even better seat than the one I had paid for last week. Happy days!

Better still EasyJet had realised that passengers were missing the spectacle of the free-for-all-fights that entertained us in the days of free-for-all-seating - they laid on a fight when we landed between a big Scot with a huge backpack and a small German in a pork-pie hat. It kicked off when the Scot slung his backpack over his shoulder just as the wee German was trying to get into the aisle behind him hitting him square in the face. The German retaliated with a hefty push forward nearly knocking over ten people standing in the aisle waiting for the doors to open. The big Scot retaliated with a shove of his own and another ten people in the opposite direction went wobbling down the aisle.

I simply sat and watched the entertainment before thanking the captain as I left the plane.

Serious Post Dec 2012

On several occasions Dog-Blog has featured on Drivel and Wisdom. 

Sadly Dog-Blog Muffin is no longer with us. Below are the drawings of Dog-Blog that have featured on this site as a tribute to the best dog in the world.

So farewell Muffin - not just a dog but one of the "Blogs".

Beer Fridges

For some years we (me) have fondly referred to the area immediately outside our back door as the "Beer Fridge". It is not a fridge but simply the place by the door where I keep my beer; however, given that we live in Scotland my beer is never too warm.

Not only does the "beer fridge" keep my beer at an acceptable temperature, it saves me carrying heavy cases of beer the extra ten feet to our real fridge and it leaves space in the real fridge for all the yummy vegetables and salads that Mrs Blog is so fond of buying.

This weekend Mrs Blog, in anticipation of Christmas, asked me to move a real fridge from our garage to the area formerly known as the "Beer Fridge" so that we could use it to store all the extra food we are planning to buy before Christmas.

Mrs Blog is excellent at keeping things tidy so it was no surprise that she "hid" my beer in the real fridge where the "beer Fridge" used to be. Alas though, the real fridge is somewhat colder than the old "beer Fridge" and especially when you have it on setting 6 out of 6.

At the end of a busy day I reached in to the "new real beer fridge" and pulled out a can of Fosters....

The blooming beer was frozen into a Fosters Slush Puppy and took half an hour to defrost. The old "beer Fridge" only ever did that following a Met office severe weather warning.

Errant Nurofen

Having a tendency to occasionally imbibe of the odd glass of red wine, I keep a steady stash of painkillers by my bed just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and have need of them.

Two nights ago I set my side of the bed up as usual, filled my bottle of water, took the alarm clock out of the drawer that Mrs Blog hides it in and laid the blister pack of my last two remaining Nurofen next to the water bottle on the floor.

As a temperate soul I had no need of the Nurofen that night. I did however, drink the water and in keeping with middle aged men paid the "odd visit"!

Somehow I managed to tread on the blister pack without realising it.

The first I knew was next morning when the sainted Mrs Blog brought me my tea and trod on something at the entrance to the bedroom. She found a bright orange capsule stuck to her foot and wondered how it was that a Nurofen capsule could find itself there. Now she knows!

Remote based working

When your employers ask you to work from home you might be tempted to think that you can get up late, work short hours, take a morning to do the crossword and have a nap in the afternoon.

I have been working from home for more than ten years and it equates to lots of travelling., longer hours and lots of unforeseen stressful situations. I have learned to cope with being on a conference call at the same time as the postman turns up, dog-blog starts barking and then the courier arrives with Mrs Blog's latest purchase from Amazon/Ebay. Today, however, was a first.

I was working transcribing fifteen flip chart pages crammed full of useful ideas from my team planning day last week. The info was so good that we are confident we can single-handedly bring the UK of recession in 2013. There I was with the flip chart pages scattered around the room typing up the content on my laptop when Mrs Blog popped her around the hitherto closed door.

"Muffin (dog-blog) is out of sorts an I think she wants to come in here,"said Mrs Blog

Dog-blog had just been out of sorts in a very wet garden.

My teams output now looked like this

Dog Blog jumped on the sofa as she was instructed to do by Mrs Blog. I kept my mouth shut I have been in tough situations before.

Mrs Blog left the room and closed the door, Mr Blog sighed in a resigned sort of way, Dog-Blog sat on the flip charts!

Movember

This morning myself and Mrs Blog "Skyped" Son-Blog through the wonders of a PC and an IPhone 4. It was the first time I have seen Son-Blog for a little while and it seems he has joined the "Movember" craze...

It was quite difficult to know which way up he was!

Carrot Mystery

For the last two days Mr Blog has been in Yorkshire with the relatives. One of the said relatives was the internationally famous two year old Blog -Nephew "Ben-Blog" (see earlier posts with "Swiss Cooker Problems" in the titles).

I knew Ben-Blog would be there for a number of reasons, not least of which was that he had caused Swiss-Sister-Blog to yell out on a phone call on Tuesday. Sister Blog was already in Yorkshire and I had called her at about Ben-Blog's tea time. During the conversation she had clear sight of Ben-Blog eating his tea evidenced by the said yell...

"Hang on, Ben has just put the hot water bottle on his dinner!" said Swiss-Sister-Blog.

I thought no more of it.

During my trip to Yorkshire I discovered the following facts which are critically related to the above "yell".

1. Swiss-Sister-Blog was very impressed with Ben-Blog's appetite on Tuesday because he had eaten almost all of his dinner including a portion of carrots. More remarkable since Ben-Blog has a love-hate relationship with carrots.
2. Other-Sister-Blog-Christine discovered carrots in the sink on Wednesday and assumed that Swiss-Sister-Blog had mistaken the sink for a waste disposal unit.
3. Swiss-Sister-Blog had retrieved a hot water bottle and thought the Mum-Blog had had a senior moment and filled the hot water bottle with some weird substance

Solution to the "carrot-mystery"

Ben-Blog had decided the only way he would get a pudding (which he loves) would be if his plate was clear and Swiss-Sister-Blog thought he was still hungry. Not wanting to eat the carrots but still wanting the pudding he hid the entire portion inside the hot water bottle. Which was subsequently filled with hot water and used that night.. He managed to do this undetected, unscrewing the top and screwing it back on again afterwards. You gotta love him!

Clock Chaos 3

Clocks and the Blog household have been having a bit of a rough time this year. It has got no better. Today I was packing my overnight bag for a business trip to London tomorrow. I always make a point of setting my alarm at the same time as I pack - kind of a routine I have. This routine was interrupted today.

I packed my bag as usual, three chargers, wash-bag, shirt, tie etc. Then went to the bedroom looking for an alarm clock (there are four of them in the Blog household). The blog bedroom was bereft of alarm clocks! Not one in sight: not on Mr Blog's side of the room, not on Mrs Blog's side of the room. Not unduly worried I headed for the bathroom where Mrs Blog keeps a spare alarm clock. Nothing. The same was true of the two unoccupied bedrooms. The Blogs were out of alarm clocks.

In desperation I asked Mrs Blog,

"Do you know what has happened to all the alarm clocks?"

"Yes, I put them in a drawer. They were too noisy."

I have still not found a response.

Mr Blog goes romantic and blows it

Mrs Blog and I have just returned after a three day short break in beautiful Glencoe. (Incidentally spell checker thinks Glencoe is Glycogen). I booked the trip nearly two months ago on the web and at the time though how lovely it would be to take up the hotel offer of delivering a bunch of flowers to Mrs Blog at breakfast with a card containing a personal message. This is exactly the kind of service you would expect from the TripAdvisor recommended "Glycogen Hotel".

So on Sunday night we checked in, had a fine meal, free bottle of wine and slept like babes. Breakfast came and Mr Blog completely forgot about the romantic gesture he had pre-booked for Mrs Blog. Not only completely forgot but absolutely completely forgot. The waitress came up to the table with a card and bunch of flowers and said
"for you!", to Mrs Blog
"Who on earth are these from?"
"Not me," I said, "it must be daughter-blog"
"To my lovely wife" read Mrs Blog.
"They must be for someone else" I said.
Mrs Blog, looked crestfallen.
"They are for room 101...Leeson" said the waitress.
At this point a fuzzy, hazy memory surfaced and I sheepishly admitted that I had in fact ordered them. Romance is not dead it has just slipped our minds!

Quiz night

Quiz night has featured before on this blog. It usually takes place on a Thursday and Mr Blog and his mates humiliate themselves in public at the local pub by demonstrating our collective ignorance.

Last night I phoned the home of quiz-regular Dr Computer. His daughter answered and said he was in the bath. I asked if she knew whether or not he was going to the quiz and she said "yes". Not wanting to disturb Dr Computer in the bath nor to have such a mental image in my mind, I declined her offer to speak to him. Undeterred she passed me to Mrs Dr Computer who immediately headed up the stairs with the cordless phone plugged to her ear.

Unable to dissuade her from disturbing Dr Computer and still not wanting to have such a mental image I asked her
"Do you have a plant spray?"
"Yes I do," was the reply.
"Could you get it and fill it up with very cold water for me?"
"...and squirt your husband?"

"I can do better than that" said Mrs  Dr Computer, "We have a detachable shower head on the bath!"

Ten seconds later I heard a shower head spray Dr Computer with freezing cold water. He yelled and started laughing, Mrs Dr Computer was shrieking with laughter for a full three minutes before she passed him the phone.

"Are you going to the Quiz tonight?"
"Yes but a different one. By the way my wife just sprayed me with freezing cold water!"
"Really? Which quiz are you going to?"

It turns out that he was going to a quiz organised by the Freemasons. I thought better of it, not being a member of the Masons, they probably would not tell me the answers to the questions!

University Life

Son-Blog left for St Andrews University this year and has so far stayed alive, sane, injury free and un-expelled.

Several times now, he has rung during the day to complain about the "ridiculous" level of work he has to do for his two main subjects  - Italian and French. In fact all manner of academic evil seems to have befallen him. This evil takes the form of essays, assignments, presentations, revision, tests, translations and copious amounts of reading. I have been left with the impression that Son-Blog has been working into the wee small hours every night trying to keep up with the workload and consequently feeling pretty sorry for the poor lad.

Last night I spoke to his sister...

It turns out that Son-Blog has been up into the wee small hours, however there has not been a book in sight. Son-Blog it seems, is becoming something of a legend in St Andrews. Aside from walking the streets dressed as Cruella D'Ville, he has been out partying carrying a beer sabre (several cans of beer stuck end to end with packing tape) and even found time to relocate a traffic cone to an inaccessible point on the architecture of this venerable town! (by all accounts the cone is still there).

Clock Chaos 2

I thought the Blogs were bad at setting clocks yesterday. Today I discover that Bill Gates is even worse. Mrs Blog has a laptop which is set up to "internet time" which means it should automatically update the date and time function on the machine. I should point out that this is quite an important function because all sorts of programmes stop working when the date and time are not correct.

So this morning Mrs Blog tells me that the laptop isn't working. Sure enough it is having the computer equivalent of a "hissy fit", which I trace to the inaccurate time and date setting which at 8.32 a.m. read,

"16.48 20th February 1641!"

Clock Chaos

Turning the clocks back is always a bit of a challenge in Chez-Blog. Usually it is no more of a challenge than to  make sure that
a) all the clocks are turned back, and
b) that none of the clocks are turned back twice

This year .....

I turned back my clock by my bedside before I went to bed. Mrs Blog relies on her mobile phone so she turned that back before she went to bed.(Her mobile phone automatically adjusts for daylight hour changes). Neither of us turned back the clock in the bedroom with the big red LED display that we both rely on in the dark.

At 5/6/7 a.m this morning I made Mrs Blog a cup of tea that she did not drink because it was 5.00 a.m.

at 6/7/8 a.m. this morning Mrs Blog made herself a cup of tea, I declined her kind offer because I was getting out of bed at 8.30 a.m.

At 9.00 I discovered it was 8.00 so went back to bed, where I am tempted to stay until March 2013.

Transport Problems

Having visited Bristol many times, I have always thought it a strange place.

I flew there this week on EasyJet. "Aha" you might be thinking, no wonder he called this post "Transport Problems"! But no, EasyJet worked as well as it does. In fact they quite surprised me by announcing that, having conducted a test, they were now going to move to the revolutionary new idea of allocating seats to passengers. (Not of course, because it suits us as passengers...they found out that they can get us on and off the plane faster this way)

Later that day I took a taxi to my hotel from the office. I was greeted by a cheery looking chap who introduced himself and his car,

"Hi, sorry about the dent in the door, I ran in to a lorry yesterday."

He then sat me on the inside of this huge dent so that I could contemplate the loss of effectiveness of the side impact protection system.

The following day and still in Bristol I invited a colleague out for a coffee and a chat. My preferred coffee shop is the "Refectoire" just behind the bus station. So we walked through the bus station, me looking as smart as I can in my dark suit and crisp white shirt finished off with a red pin dot tie, where I was stopped by an old lady. 

"Do you work here?" she asked.

Year of the dragon

Whilst under the influence of alcohol I once started trying to speak like some one from the Orient. Where they mispronounce their R and L sounds. It was mildly amusing or at least made mildly amusing by the alcohol.

Then more recently I was sitting on a FlyBe flight and I began to wonder what an Oriental person would sound like doing the safety briefing...It is best to have two drinks before trying to read this out loud.

"Good mawning and wehcome on bald diss FryBe fright to Blister (Bristol). Prease take your seats and prace any rarge items of hand ruggage under the seat in flont of you. Smawrer items can be praced in the ovahhead rockers.

Prease now pay attention to this impawtent safety bleefing.

Yoah seat bert fastens and unfastens as shown

There is a safety instluction reafret in the seat pocket in flont of you that shows you the clash position if you heah the words “Blace Blace!”

There are four emuhgency exits on bald, two at the flont of the prane one reft and one light and two at the leah one reft and one light. Row reveh righting wirr guide you to these exits.

In the event of sudden deplessulisation, masks rike these wirr farr from the panerrs above your head. Prace the mask over yuah nose and mouff and bleathe normarry. The mask is sekkuahed using the erastic stlaps. Prease fit your own mask befoah hepping anybuddy erse.

In the event of a randing on watah, prease take the rife vest out of the prastic covah. Prace it ovah yuah head and secuah it using the stlaps in a dubber  knot at the flont on the reft. Do not infrate the rife vest untir you are outside the prane! To infrate the rife vest paw down on the led toggah. Theah is a tube for ferver infration or defration. A right that wirr irruminate in watah and a whissuh fah attlacting attention.

Once we are in the clews we wirr commence the comprimentary dlinks sahviss

Prease sit back, lerax and enjoy this shuht fright wiv us."