Adults Only

I seem to be breaking all the rules on my blog this week,- corny humour, plagiarising emails and now... adult content! If you have children under 16 do not let them click on the link below. If you are 16 or over click on the link below it is to an amzon page advertising a mens hair removal product called "Veet". Once on the page click on the customer review link and read the most honest (and funniest) review ever posted.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335512646&sr=8-1

Thanks to Sister-in-law-Blog

For anyone who was not on the extensive email list earlier this week started by sister-in-law-blog. It made me chuckle

BY JOHN CLEESE

European Alerts

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya, Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

A final thought -“Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

Corny as they come

I have tried to avoid using corny humour in this blog since I started. However, all rules were made to be broken. I was staying in the Aztec West Hotel near Bristol this week, it is a popular venue for conferences, trainins sessions, seminars and so on. On the way to my room I went past a seminar room which had a sign on the door which read,
"Asthma Training"
I thought  "That will be pants then!"

Anagrams

I have one of those brains that loves anagrams. I thought I was pretty good at coming up with them too, until this week. My employers have a subsidiary company which manages billions of pounds of investments called "Architas". If I had been any good at anagrams I would have beaten the Cheif Investment Officer to "A shit car", but alas it did not even occur to me.

Milestone!

Some time last night the clicker on this blog, which tells you how many people have read it, went through 10,000. I had no idea that drivel was so much in demand! Better keep on blogging!

A week's blog in one

Having been in the Isle of Man on business this week I have just returned to Chez-blog in the Borders and sat down to write this drivel. Sometimes, as regular followers will have spotted, things go quiet and I have nothing to blog about. This week though, that all changed.

First I was on the SAAB 340 twin prop aeroplane at Edinbugh airport getting ready to take off, as we turned on to the runway the front wheel locked and the plane (more a car with wings) slewed to the right finishing at near right angles on the runway itself. It seems there was a problem with the hydraulics. The pilot fixed it  (or thought he had) and decided to taxi back to the stand to get things checked. On the way the same thing happened again and we slewed to the right. Eventually after reaching the stand they brought the mechanics out who gave the hydraulics the once over. British Airways, BMI, even FlyBe would give passengers the option to get off at this point. Not so with Loganair who are, to air travel what the Trabant is to Formula 1 racing. I spent the whole 45 min flight on the cursed plane praying that the wheel would not lock out on landing. It didn't.

I stayed in the Claremont Hotel, my first choice of hotel in Douglas, IOM and received the usual upgrade to my room. Fantastic! Until that was about 1.00 a.m. when a water leak me with the fire alarm system. Standing on the seafront of Douglas at that hour of the morning is not fun. Tired, I got back to my room and lay down again just as every seagull from twenty miles around discovered the bag of chips somewhere out side the hotel - specifically outside my room. It took until 5.00 a.m. for the seagull fight to end , I assume either one seagull won or between them they ate all the chips. An hour later the housekeeping staff started banging the doors. End of a lousy night with three hours' sleep.

All through Thursday I was consoled in my exhaustion, by the idea that I had some good material for my blog. Then, on the drive home tonight, I tuned into Radio Scotland (a sort of Radio Two for ginger-haired people) and heard about the escaped Wallabies. There is a family zoo thingy near where we live and it had acquired two wallabies, both of which escaped by swimming across a lake. Both were recovered and are now safe and well. Even more material for the blog then....

At the end of the news they re-capped on a story about "Smurf the hamster" (feel free to google these exact words to prove the authenticity of this).

Smurf ate a toy Spiderman or rather he ate bits of a toy Spiderman. Specifically he ate the small magnet in the toy Spiderman. No-one knew until the next morning when one of the children found Smurf stuck to the metal bars of his cage 5 inches above the ground. The Franciscan in me cannot help feel sorry for poor little Smurf but the blogger in me cannot stop giggling about it.

I was only trying to help...

Having passed A Level Physics I consider myself to be at least qualified to operate a refrigerator. Daughter-blog is home from Aberdeen this week so both my swimming goggles and my Ipad are well hidden. In honour of daughter-blog's return, Mrs Blog went on a food-shopping-extravaganza, which left us with a rather full fridge. In fact there was not a spare bit of space or daylight. Remembering my Physics I recalled how all this warm food would increase the temperature of the inside of the fridge, so I turned up the dial to a maximum of "5", fully intending to turn it down again later. Otherwise we ran the risk of some of the food spoiling. Alas, old age and short term memory problems intervened and I totally forgot to adjust the dial back to "3".
This evening Mrs Blog is blaming me, probably rightly, for a frozen lump of broccoli that she reckons will rot as it thaws out. Given that I am not mad keen on any vegetable I consider it a moral victory.

Running Dedication

I was out for a run with Mate-blog this morning, just about five miles thought the Scottish hills. It was a great start to the day, I feel full of energy and high on endorphins. Better yet I got a blog out of it!

Mate -blog is running the London Marathon in two weekends and has been training madly for the last three months. He is a dedicated runner and I  have kept him anonymous to avoid embarrassing my very good mate Paul. Mate-blog is running with a foot injury and has consulted the same physio as I use (See earlier posting about getting fixed 7/2/2011) who has suggested that strapping is a bad idea - it simply moves the problem from one place to another. "Blue Tape" is apparently the remedy of choice, however, to be effective it needs clean skin to adhere to. Mate-blog is that dedicated he is off to shave one of his legs...

Blog first

This is the first time i have blogged while away on business and also the first time I have blogged using my Ipad2 made famous in a post recently.

I couldn't wait until got home to post this one because by then the middle aged anger in me might have subsided. I am away on business this week which meant leaving home in Scotland at an ungodly hour this morning. First to Bristol for a series of six meetings before getting on a train (second class ticket thanks to the expenses crackdown) to London Paddington. A full hour and forty five minutes of screaming two year olds. Finally I get to where I am staying for the next two nights. Another first, an apartment. having never stayed in one before I checked the website to make sure it was ok. There were pictures of huge penthouses and whilst not a hotel I thought "no problem, I can make shall sacrifices for the company and find somewhere to eat dinner and breakfast."

Having just checked in, after walking up three flights of stairs with my luggage, I am sitting in what I am told is an upgraded room from the one I booked. Suffice it so say that I am off to tour the streets of the east end to purchase a dead cat to prove a point.

Never again!