Life is never simple - the sequel

Having equipped myself with the correct battery (and measured the dimensions) I set off to West Yorkshire to install it in the 1998 Mercedes Benz E 300 TD.

Three hours and two cups of coffee later I was standing with spanner in hand looking under the bonnet (Hood for US readers) trying to locate the battery. My internet search told me I would find it under the bonnet (Hood) at the back of the engine on the left. It was not there.

Mum-Blog told me where she had found it when she measured it but it was not there either. Puzzled by the migration of an item that weighs nearly a ton, I rang Eschatology-Sister-Blog, wife of Big-Fat-Tom-Blog who had  been with him when he had tried to jump start the 1998 Mercedes Benz E 300 TD with a set of jump-cables the previous weekend.

"Under the bonnet, (Hood) to the rear of the engine on the right hand side" she told me.

I checked, it had moved, it was not there.

Mum-Blog volunteered that in some previous Mercedes cars she had known the battery was under the back seat.

Running out of ideas I checked. It was there! In fact, judging by the clamp holding it down and the hour with spanner and socket set needed to release, it had always been there.

All is now well except for the mystery that now surrounds what Big-Fat-Tom-Blog actually did when he tried to jump start the 1998 Mercedes Benz E 300 TD. My guess he is that he nearly jump-started the fuse box.

Life is never simple

This week Mr Blog had to travel to Yorkshire (Home of the Yorkshire Blogs) to sort out an MOT on a 1998 Mercedes Benz E 300 TD.

I am being very specific about the make and model for a reason.

Being warned in advance by "Big-Fat-Tom-Blog" that the battery of said car was probably flat, I made enquiries of Kwik Fit (Home of the Kwik Fit Fitter) as to replacing the battery before I headed down to Yorkshire with spanner in hand.

They asked for all the information I have posted above and the registration number which I haven't.

"Do you know the dimensions of the battery?"

"What?"

"How big is it?" (making me feel a bit thick!)

"I don't know I am in Scotland and the car is in Yorkshire"

"Well we need to know because there are two sizes for that car."

"Really? Surely there is some way of telling?"

"No"

"Well could I buy a battery and then if it doesn't fit bring it back for a refund?"

"Yes, You can refund it for the other battery."

Seeing no alternative to ending up with at least one battery I did not want, I rang Mum-Blog.

"Mum-Blog, have you got a tape measure?"

"Yes why?"

"I need to get the measurements of the battery in the Mercedes."

Several calls later and visits to the internet to look up where the battery was supposed to be, we got the dimensions in inches.

(By the way Kwik Fit Fitter, Mum Blog is nearly 84!)

I rang back Kwik Fit and spoke to a different fitter who told me that first fitter I had spoken to did not exist and more to the point , they don't sell batteries.

Still even-tempered I rang Europarts.

"I am looking for ....etc"

"There are two different batteries that could be."

"I know"

"Does the car have air-conditioning?"

"Why?"

"Because if does it needs a different battery to the model without air-conditioning."

"AHA!"

To be continued....

The world is your Oyster

Regulars will remember that I rather foolishly cut up my bank card by mistake recently (No job no money 19/3/2013), this has given rise to a series of unforeseen consequences. My apologies that this post is a little longer than usual.

When in London on the 9th April, I tried to use my Oyster card on a journey from Victoria to Cannon Street. The ticket barrier that behaves like a Rottweiler refused to allow me through and suggested I seek assistance.

I did and was told that my card had been stopped.

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know" came the reply, "you will need to take out a new Oyster card and then apply for a refund from the old one."

So £45 light in the wallet I continued my journey with my new Oyster card.

Today I found sufficient time to get on the internet and go to the Oyster home page to sort out the refund. I followed the instructions in front of me and achieved the following,

• Registered my new card
• Arranged for auto-top-up on my new card
• Updated my bank details to reflect my new bank card
• Lost any reference to any other card I might have ever had with Transport for London (TFL- one of Boris' playthings)

No matter what I did I could not organise the refund without the existing card details. Not to be outdone I range the oxymoronic helpline number. I got through to a voice which read out a series of options, another voice and a series of options and finally after pressing "2", was put through to a voice that told me I could dial a new cheaper number.

I dialed the new cheaper number thinking to myself that there was little logic in giving you an expensive number to call so that you could find out there was a cheaper number you could/should dial. After a few more menus I got through to a real person who took ages trying to solve my problem before he put me on to his supervisor. His supervisor tried several systems to arrange the refund and then told me I could not get the refund from him because I was on a "hotlist" and needed to ring a different number.

The different number was in fact the exact same number I had just dialed  I followed his menu option suggestions and spoke to a lady who had a voice that suggested she would not be flustered if they announced an imminent nuclear attack.

She told me that my old card, the one that did not work, had in fact been stopped.

"I know" said I.

"It was stopped in June 2012."

"I didn't know that!"

It dawned on me that she was talking about the previous Oyster card I had owned and lost and replaced. I explained the situation. She checked and double checked and found that they had no record of me owning any Oyster card between June 2012 and April 2013. My sanity was by now being tested since I clearly remember using the newest replaced Oyster card earlier this year.

After some insistence on my part that I was not mad and I could in fact remember the card and even had the little black plastic wallet it used to live, she tried again.

Eventually she found the card, it was on an account that was not mine. It had a balance of £47 which they were happy to refund to me. But I had to pay them £40 first so could I just hold a while and speak to someone in sales who would take the £40 I owed them.

"Why do I have to pay you?"

"Because you owe us £40"

"No I don't"

"Yes you do!"

"What do I owe you £40 for?"

"The outstanding balance"

"Look all I want is my money back from the card"

"Yes but you have to pay us £40 first."

I had a light bulb moment that saved me from complete brain-melt.

"When you say the balance on my card is £47, do you mean there is £7 on the card and a failed top up for £40?"

"Yes"

"Ah, this is your lucky day."

"Why"

"Because TFL are now £7 richer. Please forget we ever spoke, keep the refund with my compliments, and have truly a lovely afternoon."

If anyone out there is planning a nuclear strike could you please speak to me for details of a suitable target.

Reactions

Son-Blog in St Andrews has been suffering with a sore shoulder for a while. Today Mrs Blog visited him and took him to boots the chemist to get something to help. The something they suggested was a "deep-heat" spray which he reacted to and had to wash off.

This is nowhere near as good as Daughter-blogs reaction to Tesco Chinese Black Bean sauce, when she was 16, which made her look like a cross between a Ferengi and a Klingon!

Priceless

In today's London Times there is a report about a gift given to M Hollande, the president of France.

It seems that the people of Mali wanted to thank him for France intervening in driving the Islamic extremists out of Mali earlier this year. They expressed their gratitude in the gift of a young camel, which began a series of unfortunate events.

Firstly the camel was presented with a cloth on its back, denying the French public the opportunity to determine whether it had one hump or two and causing fierce debates on radio phone in programmes.

Next the animal screeched so loudly during the gift ceremony that no-one could hear M Hollande, who apparently promised to ride the animal regularly.

M Hollande wanted to bring the camel back to France and have it vaccinated but his officials warned him of the complexity of such an arrangement, so he left the animal with a family in Timbuktu.

Finally, the family in Timbuktu ate the camel after cooking it in a Tagine!

Experiences

I was using my new laptop last night and tried to Skype sister-blog in Switzerland. The programme would not let me dial the number but instead threw up a dialog box which read,
"We are improving your Skype experience".
After two minutes it shut itself down. Does this mean I am getting the better Skype experience by not using it I wondered.

Keep watching

The most exciting thing to happen in Mr Blog's life lately occurred today. He was out in the garden for the first time since the second Ice Age started this spring cleaning up the leaves left by last autumn. Borders council do not accept that gardeners have garden waste at this time of year and so, have a policy of not trying to collect it. This means Mr Blog has to scoop the leaves in cheap Sainsburys refuse bags (the ones that tear when you look at them) and transport them to the recycling centre.

All was going well with nine bags of bin liners filled with leaves when Mr Blog turned round and found that the remaining roll of 13 bin liners was nowhere to be seen. The only reason for writing about it, is that, as regular readers will know, the last thing that got lost in the garden was Mr Blogs glasses. The glasses turned up several weeks later when he ran over them with a lawnmower.

20,000 hits

Two years and 188 posts later, Drivel and Wisdom has now had twenty thousand hits! When I started this blog two years ago I had no idea there was such a demand for such inane writing. Thanks to all the readers who keep coming back. If you want to receive a free update of new posts - enter your email address in the space above!