The world is your Oyster

Regulars will remember that I rather foolishly cut up my bank card by mistake recently (No job no money 19/3/2013), this has given rise to a series of unforeseen consequences. My apologies that this post is a little longer than usual.

When in London on the 9th April, I tried to use my Oyster card on a journey from Victoria to Cannon Street. The ticket barrier that behaves like a Rottweiler refused to allow me through and suggested I seek assistance.

I did and was told that my card had been stopped.

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know" came the reply, "you will need to take out a new Oyster card and then apply for a refund from the old one."

So £45 light in the wallet I continued my journey with my new Oyster card.

Today I found sufficient time to get on the internet and go to the Oyster home page to sort out the refund. I followed the instructions in front of me and achieved the following,

• Registered my new card
• Arranged for auto-top-up on my new card
• Updated my bank details to reflect my new bank card
• Lost any reference to any other card I might have ever had with Transport for London (TFL- one of Boris' playthings)

No matter what I did I could not organise the refund without the existing card details. Not to be outdone I range the oxymoronic helpline number. I got through to a voice which read out a series of options, another voice and a series of options and finally after pressing "2", was put through to a voice that told me I could dial a new cheaper number.

I dialed the new cheaper number thinking to myself that there was little logic in giving you an expensive number to call so that you could find out there was a cheaper number you could/should dial. After a few more menus I got through to a real person who took ages trying to solve my problem before he put me on to his supervisor. His supervisor tried several systems to arrange the refund and then told me I could not get the refund from him because I was on a "hotlist" and needed to ring a different number.

The different number was in fact the exact same number I had just dialed  I followed his menu option suggestions and spoke to a lady who had a voice that suggested she would not be flustered if they announced an imminent nuclear attack.

She told me that my old card, the one that did not work, had in fact been stopped.

"I know" said I.

"It was stopped in June 2012."

"I didn't know that!"

It dawned on me that she was talking about the previous Oyster card I had owned and lost and replaced. I explained the situation. She checked and double checked and found that they had no record of me owning any Oyster card between June 2012 and April 2013. My sanity was by now being tested since I clearly remember using the newest replaced Oyster card earlier this year.

After some insistence on my part that I was not mad and I could in fact remember the card and even had the little black plastic wallet it used to live, she tried again.

Eventually she found the card, it was on an account that was not mine. It had a balance of £47 which they were happy to refund to me. But I had to pay them £40 first so could I just hold a while and speak to someone in sales who would take the £40 I owed them.

"Why do I have to pay you?"

"Because you owe us £40"

"No I don't"

"Yes you do!"

"What do I owe you £40 for?"

"The outstanding balance"

"Look all I want is my money back from the card"

"Yes but you have to pay us £40 first."

I had a light bulb moment that saved me from complete brain-melt.

"When you say the balance on my card is £47, do you mean there is £7 on the card and a failed top up for £40?"

"Yes"

"Ah, this is your lucky day."

"Why"

"Because TFL are now £7 richer. Please forget we ever spoke, keep the refund with my compliments, and have truly a lovely afternoon."

If anyone out there is planning a nuclear strike could you please speak to me for details of a suitable target.