Having a bad day?

My thanks to a fellow member on Linked In for bringing this to my attention.

A horse stuck in a gate having a bad day, made worse by a cow laughing in the background....

Vodafone's Revenge

It is not clear to me why, but Vodafone have me in their sights. Not in a positive way; they are not really after my custom. They have started what I believe is a campaign to make me realise that I have no friends; it is their "billy-no-mates" campaign.

They sent me a text this week from their voice mail facility, it read,

"You have no new messages, please dial 121"

It took a few re-reads before I realised it genuinely said "No" new messages. So they wanted me to ring the voice mail number to find out that I had no messages and by default must be a billy-no-mates.

I duly rang, there were no messages, I have no friends.

Blind as a bat

At 7.30 this morning I managed to break my emergency glasses.

As regulars will know my reading glasses have had a hard time over the years. They have been run over, buried in snow and mangled by a petrol-driven lawn mower. Last week I broke the arm off my reserve glasses ( effectively my second pair) and today left me with no reserves since my emergency glasses were my reserve  reserve pair.

FOr anyone not blighted by failing eyesight spare a thought for those of us who are! How the hell do you find a pair of reading glasses when you can't read the labels on anything?

Nonetheless by trial and error and twenty minutes of dedication in W H Smiths I solved the problem. Otherwise I might still be wandering around City airport because I had convinced myself that I was flying home from there and without the new emergency-reserve-reserve glasses I would have missed the detail that said I should have been at Heathrow!!

Dongle Disaster 2

Having decided I needed a dongle I have not been easily put off by the troubles outlined in "Dongle Disaster".

Last week I finally managed to buy a dongle and get it working. That does not mean it was without issues - thanks to Windows 8 it took forty minutes to get the thing to work. Having learned my lesson at the hands of phones 4 U I did not leave the Vodafone shop until it was doing what it should.


Start of grumpy rant against Microsoft Windows 8

For anyone unfamiliar with Windows 8, let me help. It is an operating system - Microsoft's latest but definitely not best. It has hidden menus which means that if your cursor does not hover over the right place on the screen you will never find them. I found this out when I tried to switch my laptop off for the first time. Gone is the "start" button which you click and then select "shut down"; enter the hidden menu for settings, this in turn hides the "power options menu" (which I would have thought related to battery saving) and inside this subterranean menu is the option to shut down. Call me a Luddite but if you have to use a different and now out of date PC to find out how to switch off your brand new laptop something is wrong!

End of grumpy rant against Microsoft Windows 8
Start of grumpy rant against Microsoft Outlook 2013

Twenty minutes after I had left the shop I was in a cafe trying to use my dongle. Good old Microsoft did it again. Outlook 2013 - this time. The dongle worked fine - the green light flashed then went blue and flashed, finally I had a solid blue light and a stable connection. I opened up Outlook 2013 to check on emails. Or rather, I tried to open up Outlook 2013 to read emails. It opened and then promptly told me that it had detected a "metered connection" (Microsoft speak for - we have found the dongle you are paying for and it is working) and that as such it was switching me to work offline!! Thus they rendered my dongle useless unless I overrode the Outlook basic instinct to ruin my life.

Swiss-nephew-blog learned at the age of two how to operate the Apple IPad and he could not speak or read at the time. How do MS get it so wrong?

Start of grumpy rant against Microsoft Outlook 2013

Colds and milestones

Two messages for this post!

First thanks to all the fans of Drivel and Wisdom, we passed 25,000 hits this week!

Second, Swiss-nephew-blog returns to these pages. (Check out Carrot Mystery, Cooker Problems and More Cooker Problems.Top left on the page is a search facility).

Swiss-nephew-blog is now three and along with his two older sisters suffered a cold two weeks ago. He alerted Swiss-sister-blog to the fact by saying, "I've got a walking nose." She was baffled for a moment or two until she realised he meant a "running nose" but clearly not quite as bad!

Dongle Disaster

Yesterday I popped into the Vodafone shop to try to buy a Dongle - for the technically challenged - a device which lets me connect my laptop to the internet via a mobile phone signal using a device the size of finger.

"Sold out" they told me.

Deflated I walked through the shopping mall and saw a "phones 4 U" store.

"Do you sell dongles?" I asked.

"Yes, Vodafone, T Mobile etc" said the spotty lad called Mark.(I have avoided stating the obvious about Vodafone)

"Which would you recommend?" I enquired.

"T Mobile, they have the best coverage these days."

£30 lighter I left the shop with my new dongle.

Two hours later sitting in Starbucks (I was looking for a WiFi signal and a good cup of coffee, got one not the other!) the dongle did not work. The dongle not working was why I was in Starbucks using their WiFi to try and sort out T Mobile's dongle problems. Having read all the instructions and registered the device I was nowhere nearer a solution. I returned to the Phones 4 U store.

Mark was still there.

"Hi, I bought this dongle from you and I cannot get it to work."

Mark took the packaging and read the instructions.

"Are you able to get a signal?" he asked.

"Yes, look can you see the green light, according to the instructions that means I have a signal."

"Is ti not connecting then?"

I kept calm and avoided any hint of sarcasm..

"No that is why that light is green. It should turn blue when it connects to the internet."

"Oh. Have you topped it up?"

"No, because you told me that it came with three months free!"

"Oh yeah!"

Eventually using a WiFi signal I showed Mark where I had set up my account on the T Mobile site. It asked for a PIN.

Mark entered the PIN number having chosen the number with "PIN" written next to it. This number was rejected as incorrect.. Mark thought the PUK number might work until I explained what a PUK is for.

The site said it would send me a new PIN so I said "yes please" and it decided not to.

By now Mark was sharing my frustrations. He rang T Mobile who passed him through three different departments and left him none the wiser. I sensed that Mark, spotty youth as he was, was fast becoming a grumpy old man.

"They said that they are sorry and would you like a free £30 top-up?"

"Mmmm. How would I use a top up voucher on a dongle that doesn't work and through a website that won't let me access it?"

"Ah. I see your point."

In the end Phone 4 U agreed to give me my money back, although that did require a clearance from senior people in London first. Still maintaining my calm outlook I asked Mark...

"How do Phones 4 U make any money when you have spend two hours of your time trying to sort out T Mobile's mess and have lost a sale in the process?"

"To be honest, we have nothing but major problems with T Mobile, they are absolutely rubbish!"

I smiled and decided to wish him a pleasant day.

Another guy lets the side down

The continuation of inept blokes is entirely coincidental.

I was searching curry recipes and saw a thread of posts. One post asked when the lemon juice should be added...this was the first reply,

Depends what you want to achieve. I normally add it to the chicken after I’ve chopped / diced it, or into the pan at the same time as the chicken, but I’ve also tried adding it at the end which can give you an almost sweat/sour effect. Why not try both and let me know which you prefer?

Read more: Is this the BEST Chicken Madras Recipe Ever? http://www.currytastic.com/best-chicken-madras-recipe-ever/#ixzz2deY7eznA

Some guys let the side down

I received this photo from a friend of Mrs Blog. Apparently the friend asked her husband to  "peel half the potatoes in the bag and put them in the pan"

This was the result

House Guest

It has been a hectic weekend. Our friends asked us to dog-sit their Cocker-doodle dog (apparently a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a Poodle) which looks like a miniature sheep.I say a miniature sheep, but it differs in one critical way - you cannot tell which end is which. The Cocker-doodle is called Betty because her owners thought this was an improvement on its original name - Dolly, (clearly not dog-lovers!).
With mixed emotions we handed Betty-blog back to its owners this morning and have been finding dog biscuits all over the house since.

Eyesight fades with years

Mate Blog-David, aka Dr Computer, was around for a coffee this afternoon. He specialises in fixing PCs and Laptops and has worked resuscitation miracles with Mrs Blog's laptop (which she keeps in the kitchen).

Whilst here he popped his empty coffee cup on the work surface in the kitchen and told me,

"That one is beyond repair!"

"What?!" said I. Then noticed he was looking at the Breville toaster.

Time-keeping

One of Son-Blog's close friends is off to University in Fort William.

As a birthday present Son-Blog bought him a mobile phone. This was a well thought-out present because said mate, who should remain anonymous (so as not upset Daniel's mother), broke his old phone and has struggled to keep in touch with his mates.

This gift allows him to resume contact and phone and text again, which to be fair he is pretty rubbish at, even when he has a functioning phone.Yesterday as he left the house having just received the gift, Son-Blog said, "Remember (anonymous) Daniel, no excuses for not staying in touch!"

"Yep" said anonymous-Daniel.

Two minutes later there was a knock on the front door.

"Hi, I think I left my new phone here!" said anonymous-fail-Daniel.

Misspelling

A short while ago I posted a blog with the following lines in it...
...just a minute or two ago I heard Mrs Blog shout the following

"Bu66er off!"

"Bu66er off or I will kill you!"

"Just bu66er off!!"

She raised her voice and added

"That is it you are going to die!!!"

Given that only myself and Mrs Blog are in the house this evening I was more than a little concerned. Then I remembered that I am three stone heavier, five inches taller and fitter than Mrs Blog. I plucked up the courage to peer into the kitchen (which Mrs Blog loves) and saw her trying to swat a fly.

Only one person spotted the error in the original post (now corrected) which actually read....

Then I remembered that I am three stone heavier, five inches taller and fitter than Mrs Blog. I plucked up the courage to pee into the kitchen (which Mrs Blog loves) and saw her trying to swat a fly.

Oops!

Mrs Blog is away

Mrs Blog is down South with the Sussex Blogs this week, leaving myself and Son-Blog to fend for ourselves.

All the meals were meticulously planned out for the week ahead by Mrs Blog. There were chicken lattices, fish, black puddings, bacon , bread, eggs you name it crammed into the fridge and freezer. So it was a surprise when I went to the fridge/freezer this morning and found next to nothing in it!

Knowing that I was not the culprit and knowing that Son-Blogs mates have not been around, I figured I should point the finger of blame at Son-Blog.

He 'fessed up straight away, "Yes it was me he said".

"You must have been eating double portions," i said.

"No," he replied defensively, "I eat four-man portions!"

Been a bit quiet

Not sure if it is the summer or a lack of creative thinking or a lack of things happening in the Blog-world, but there has not been much to blog about lately.

It is so bad that I feel compelled to blog so that regular readers do not give up. All I can think of to write about is that this morning, when I had finished shaving and getting ready, I noticed a spot of white on my forehead. At first I thought it was a newly sprouted hair teasing me about my age but no - it was a spot of toothpaste!

Life can be dull sometimes.

Near-death experience

Just a minute or two ago I heard Mrs Blog shout the following

"Bu66er off!"

"Bu66er off or I will kill you!"

"Just bu66er off!!"

She raised her voice and added

"That is it you are going to die!!!"

Given that only myself and Mrs Blog are in the house this evening I was more than a little concerned. Then I remembered that I am three stone heavier, five inches taller and fitter than Mrs Blog. I plucked up the courage to peer into the kitchen (which Mrs Blog loves) and saw her trying to swat a fly.

Phew!

The Muffin Man

Armed with my brand new roller-bag measuring 50 cm by 40 cm by 20 cm in keeping with the new size regulations directive from EasyJet, I was waiting in line for the 18.05 Gatwick to Edinburgh yesterday.An older gentleman was sitting on the row of seats usually occupied by "special assistance" passengers which made me assume he might well be "special", except that "special assistance" passengers are invariably accompanied by a member of staff.

Several minutes after spotting the special man, he wandered off leaving his bag behind. The security alert that should have ensued was averted by the two other people on the "special" seats (who again weren't special) who reassured Malcolm from Easyjet that the guy would be back.

After several minutes the "special" man returned and went to the desk to ask if they had seen his bag. They steered him back to his "special" seat and showed him where it was. Two minutes later he wandered off again. This time the quick-thinking Malcolm set off in hot pursuit. Escape denied to him for a second time, the "special" man sat back down again.

When, after a thirty minute delay, Stelios let his people let us on the aeroplane, I moved forward. There were no "specials" so the special man had to go to the back of the queue. I felt annoyed with myself for the gleeful way that made me feel.

I found my seat after the speedy boarders had got out of the way. Why do they call them "Speedy Boarders" when they are so bloody slow? 15 A - by the window.

After ten minutes or so the rest of the passengers had found their way past the speedy boarders, all except for the special man. He was complaining that EasyJet should number their seats so that he could find his. The steward, pointed him to his seat, right next to mine. I shrank into my seat and moved my book closer to my head to avoid any eye contact.

Special man sat down and immediately leaned over invading my space and said

"Reading a book? Good idea!"

"No!!" I screamed in my head.

Special man then sat himself diagonally in his seat with his left shoulder angled right in front of me. His elbow turned out to be quite bony too. I simply tried to make myself as small as I could.

Twenty minutes into the air special man decided to have a blueberry muffin. The muffin must have been sat somewhere hot all day because when he opened it I nearly choked on the blueberry gas that steamed off it.

Finally we landed at Edinburgh and special man laughed to me and asked

"Why do they all jump up they won't get off any quicker?" as he remained sitting until nearly everyone else was off the plane. He grabbed his bag - with a large address label on it, I memorised his name and address and started plotting a murder.

Thinking differently

I saw this posted on linked in and loved it - hope you do too!

Graduates

Yesterday daughter-blog graduated from Aberdeen university with an MA Hons far exceeding the qualifications of Mr Blog who has a Cycling Proficiency Badge and a 20m Swimming Certificate.

Whilst drinking Pimms on the lawn afterwards it began to rain. One new graduate decided to shelter herself by holding her mortar board on her head. Sadly, she managed to hold it upside down! In doing so she managed to reverse the value of a piece of headgear by turning it from a shelter from the rain to a means of collecting rainwater.

It makes you wonder if they should introduce a ceremony for removing awards of degrees where the culprit is deemed to have been too thick for their degree after all!?

Inconvenience

In an earlier post I described the horror of taking the  sleeper (5/9/2012) perhaps more appropriately called the "waker" from Edinburgh to London. That experience should have put me off for good but...I could find no other way to get to London on a Monday morning for a 10.00 meeting in Potters Bar.

The journey down was actually fine. I returned the same day on the 14.00 from Kings Cross, home of the walking-texter. These people walk through a crowded station (or airport, street, any crowded place) head down looking at the screen of their mobile phones while walking along ignoring the the high odds that they will bump into someone. This means those of us who walk without texting have to avoid them!

On the train I found a seat, one of the few unreserved seats,which was opposite the door to the toilet. No ordinary toilet, the makers of trains have decided passengers should play Toilet-Russian-Roulette. This toilet has a button to open the door, the door slides back in a Star Trek fashion while making a noise just like the doors on the USS Enterprise. Once inside you have to push the "close" button and then the "lock" button (assuming that you want some privacy whilst in there).

For three hours I watched nervous passengers overcome their fears and make use of the facilities, all without a hitch except for the occasional person who could not read the "engaged" sign when it was lit up.

My turn came. Reassured by the steady stream of passengers successfully operating the door and lock mechanism, I ventured forth. I pushed the "open" button; it worked. I pushed the "close" button; it worked. I pushed the "lock" button; I thought it had worked. Rather inconveniently I was interrupted by a large grey-haired gentleman who had managed to override the "lock" mechanism.

Now in hiding, I await a knock in the door from Scotland's finest constables ready to cart me away for indecent exposure.

Time keeping

Travelling back from London on Friday was a challenge. I had a meeting at 3.30 after which I had to be on the 4.32 Victoria to Gatwick train to get an EasyJet flight at 6.25.

Having thought I was on a BA flight rather than an EasyJet I had failed to print off my boarding card in advance. Easyjet would be delighted to charge me £90 for printing one off at the airport but I would not be delighted to pay them. I begged a favour from a stranger at my first meeting and had them print my boarding pass for me.

It got worse when I discovered the venue for my 3.30 meeting was nowhere near where I had thought it was. My only hope was to cut the meeting dead at 4.00 and run like the clappers.

The 3.30 meeting started at 3.37. With no small amount of skill and pride I spoke three times more quickly than usual concluding the meeting with a successful outcome on the dot of 3.59. (It is quite possible that I have developed a reputation as a bit of a loony in the process).

I made it to Victoria Station at 4.23 and bagged a seat on the 4.32 to Littlehampton and Bognor Regis. I began to relax - I would have an hour and ten minutes to get through security at Gatwick and get to the gate.

Strolling through the airport and hurtling from the South terminal to the North on the transit I made my way to the departures gate. I handed my boarding pass over and things went wrong.

"This is for tomorrow night sir!"

"WHAT!?"

I hurried to the EasyJet ticket sales desk to be told they could get me on the flight on Friday for £99.

It took a good ten minutes to get the boarding pass and head back to the departures gate, where a queue had formed.

As I waited I examined my boarding pass. The departure time was showing at 6.10 rather than 6.25. I looked for a clock. 5.46.

As is always the case when you are in a hurry the security teams slow down and someone very stupid in front thinks that they have the time to have chat with the security people as they go.

Naturally I got frisked and had to remove my shoes for separate x-ray attention.

Rather less relaxed than I was on the train I hurtled through the airport to Gate 55E which is about as far from security as you can get. The flight was of course delayed! Till 6.25!!