Clock Chaos 2

I thought the Blogs were bad at setting clocks yesterday. Today I discover that Bill Gates is even worse. Mrs Blog has a laptop which is set up to "internet time" which means it should automatically update the date and time function on the machine. I should point out that this is quite an important function because all sorts of programmes stop working when the date and time are not correct.

So this morning Mrs Blog tells me that the laptop isn't working. Sure enough it is having the computer equivalent of a "hissy fit", which I trace to the inaccurate time and date setting which at 8.32 a.m. read,

"16.48 20th February 1641!"

Clock Chaos

Turning the clocks back is always a bit of a challenge in Chez-Blog. Usually it is no more of a challenge than to  make sure that
a) all the clocks are turned back, and
b) that none of the clocks are turned back twice

This year .....

I turned back my clock by my bedside before I went to bed. Mrs Blog relies on her mobile phone so she turned that back before she went to bed.(Her mobile phone automatically adjusts for daylight hour changes). Neither of us turned back the clock in the bedroom with the big red LED display that we both rely on in the dark.

At 5/6/7 a.m this morning I made Mrs Blog a cup of tea that she did not drink because it was 5.00 a.m.

at 6/7/8 a.m. this morning Mrs Blog made herself a cup of tea, I declined her kind offer because I was getting out of bed at 8.30 a.m.

At 9.00 I discovered it was 8.00 so went back to bed, where I am tempted to stay until March 2013.

Transport Problems

Having visited Bristol many times, I have always thought it a strange place.

I flew there this week on EasyJet. "Aha" you might be thinking, no wonder he called this post "Transport Problems"! But no, EasyJet worked as well as it does. In fact they quite surprised me by announcing that, having conducted a test, they were now going to move to the revolutionary new idea of allocating seats to passengers. (Not of course, because it suits us as passengers...they found out that they can get us on and off the plane faster this way)

Later that day I took a taxi to my hotel from the office. I was greeted by a cheery looking chap who introduced himself and his car,

"Hi, sorry about the dent in the door, I ran in to a lorry yesterday."

He then sat me on the inside of this huge dent so that I could contemplate the loss of effectiveness of the side impact protection system.

The following day and still in Bristol I invited a colleague out for a coffee and a chat. My preferred coffee shop is the "Refectoire" just behind the bus station. So we walked through the bus station, me looking as smart as I can in my dark suit and crisp white shirt finished off with a red pin dot tie, where I was stopped by an old lady. 

"Do you work here?" she asked.

Year of the dragon

Whilst under the influence of alcohol I once started trying to speak like some one from the Orient. Where they mispronounce their R and L sounds. It was mildly amusing or at least made mildly amusing by the alcohol.

Then more recently I was sitting on a FlyBe flight and I began to wonder what an Oriental person would sound like doing the safety briefing...It is best to have two drinks before trying to read this out loud.

"Good mawning and wehcome on bald diss FryBe fright to Blister (Bristol). Prease take your seats and prace any rarge items of hand ruggage under the seat in flont of you. Smawrer items can be praced in the ovahhead rockers.

Prease now pay attention to this impawtent safety bleefing.

Yoah seat bert fastens and unfastens as shown

There is a safety instluction reafret in the seat pocket in flont of you that shows you the clash position if you heah the words “Blace Blace!”

There are four emuhgency exits on bald, two at the flont of the prane one reft and one light and two at the leah one reft and one light. Row reveh righting wirr guide you to these exits.

In the event of sudden deplessulisation, masks rike these wirr farr from the panerrs above your head. Prace the mask over yuah nose and mouff and bleathe normarry. The mask is sekkuahed using the erastic stlaps. Prease fit your own mask befoah hepping anybuddy erse.

In the event of a randing on watah, prease take the rife vest out of the prastic covah. Prace it ovah yuah head and secuah it using the stlaps in a dubber  knot at the flont on the reft. Do not infrate the rife vest untir you are outside the prane! To infrate the rife vest paw down on the led toggah. Theah is a tube for ferver infration or defration. A right that wirr irruminate in watah and a whissuh fah attlacting attention.

Once we are in the clews we wirr commence the comprimentary dlinks sahviss

Prease sit back, lerax and enjoy this shuht fright wiv us."

Beeps

Nothing is quite so irritating in Mr Blog's life as a machine that beeps when it is trying to let you know that it has finished doing whatever it was doing. Unfortunately Mrs Blog rather likes Bosch as a manufacturer of washing machines.This has meant that for the last 14 years Mr Blog has been jumping up and running to kitchen every time the washing machine finishes to turn it off and stop it beeping. (Why Bosch think a machine needs to beep is beyond me!!)

Having found a peaceful place deep inside me I thought I would be able to cope for the rest of my days with this annoying machine.

Mrs Blog decided that our dishwasher was not as effective as it should be. I don't understand the technicalities but it was something to do with the dishes being dirty after they were washed. You are probably ahead of me at this point, Mrs Blog decided on a nice "Bosch" dishwasher as a replacement. Of course it too beeps when it has finished doing its thing.

Now I run to the kitchen when I hear the beeps and find I am faced with the 50/50/90 rule. With a choice between the dishwasher and the washing machine beeping, I have a 50/50 chance of picking the right machine first time. The 50/50/90 rule says that where you face such a choice you will make the wrong decision 90% of the time. I do.

Learning Gaelic

Inspired by the beauty of the Gaelic language on our trip to Barra I decided to take a one day course for beginners.

The venue was the Tourist Office in Aberfeldy about two hours from Chez-blog. Arriving in good time for the 10.00 a.m. start, I got there at 9.00. Apparently nothing opens in Aberfeldy before 10.00 on a Saturday so no cup of tea or coffee in sight. Settling for a bottle of water and an apple from the just opened Coop I waited till the course opened.

There were four people in the broom cupboard of the Aberfeldy tourist office when I got there. One man and three women. The man looked about mid-seventies the women slightly younger with one exception which was a white haired lady who looked just like the women you see in 100 year old photos of "Black Cottages" or Crofts.

"Matin Va",
"Matin Va",
"Matin Va",
"Matin Va",

Not wishing to look a right pillock I decided to pretend I knew what was going on...
"Matin Va"

It seemed to be the right response.

Our teacher turned up along with three other students. We were asked to introduce ourselves...
"is mishe Richard", I said when it was my turn.

I discovered that the mid-seventies bloke next to me was Roger and that he was an advanced Gaelic speaker  who had no business being on my beginners course. (You may have guessed by now that Roger and I were not destined to become best friends).

All through the day Roger and I were paired up for exercises. These were made all nigh impossible by Roger demonstrating his extensive Gaelic vocabulary and asking me questions with words we had not covered. Feeling a right pratt I sat there looking dumb all day.

All I learned was that Aberfeldy is pronounced Opperfalldie and that I really did not like Roger

At the end of the course I was so close to asking the tutor

"What is the Gaelic phrase for "Shut up or sod off Roger!"."