Einstein is right

A few weeks ago the researchers at the CERN laboratory announced results of an experiment (part of the search for the Higgs Bosun - a type of knot I think) which could have blown apart Einstein's theory that the speed of light was a maximum speed in the cosmos.

They had carried out a series of experiments in the LHC (Large Hadron Collider), which cost over £6 billion to build, and discovered that a neutrino (very small atomic type thing) went 60 nanoseconds faster than it should have done. The news dominated the front pages of the world press for a few days.

Today it is reported that the scientists have discovered that these earth-shattering results were in fact an error caused by wiring anomalies!

But better still was the quote from the head of research at CERN, an Italian, called Sergio Bertolucci who was quoted recently on the earlier discovery,

"I have difficultly to believe it, because nothing in Italy arrives ahead of time."

It prompted my latest masterpiece

Happy Anniversary

Unbelievably this blog is over one year old. Here are the stats,

• 8,600 hits
• Total earnings (which is why I started writing this nonsense) 4.51 pence/£0.0451
• Top three blogs by popularity "Extreme Haircuts", "George and Me" and "Hello Iran".
• 37 Comments of which my favourite so far is in reply to "oops" (16/1/2012) where sister-in-law Blog confessed to getting angry with her local bank and said on the phone to them "I bark an Bankleys!!"
• Top five countries UK, France, US, Germany and Russia

As I have not yet made my fortune and inflation has eroded the value of 4.51p I have earned I will have to keep on writing this drivel!!

Back again!

Dr Computer is concerned that I have not been blogging lately and he is right to voice his concerns. The truth is I have had nothing to blog about. I am indebted to the London Times for the inspiration for today's posting.

They carried a headline on the front page today which read...

"Women pushed into extra breast surgery"

In my head this translated as...

Dog-Blog on death's door

Mrs Blog and I went for a swim today and got back at about 5.10 p.m. The only significance of this is that it was ten minutes after Dog-Blog is usually fed and Dog-Blog is a creature of habit with an uncannily accurate stomach-clock.

Mrs Blog duly filled her metal bowl with the required amount of food; dog-Blog ate only two thirds of it. As Dog Blog has not been well of late both Mrs Blog and I were very concerned that this might indicate her imminent departure from this mortal coil. Especially as she would normally eat all her tea in a mere three seconds and still be looking for more.

We gave her an extra dose of  her painkiller to see if that would help - all wrapped up in a handful of smoked salmon. She struggled bravely and swallowed it. But still she lay by her bowl looking none too well.

"This is the beginning of the end" I thought but kept it to myself.

......."Muffin where did you get all that food from?" said Son-Blog.

"What!?" I said.

"I fed her half an hour ago." replied Son-Blog.

Now we know what is wrong with Dog-Blog...

....the starvation diet starts tomorrow!!

Oops!

Five minutes ago I got back from Sainsburys having assisted Mrs Blog with the weekly food shop. She asked me to take the shopping (very heavy shopping) bags in to the house and intended to say

"You are my Knight in shining armour."

Instead of which the ghost of either Dr Spooner or Dr Freud intervened and she actually said,

"You are my shite in nining armour."!!!

Mistaken Identity

Sister-in-law-blog was just on Skype. She had been chatting to Mrs Blog (Her sister) when I arrived home from the swimming pool. Always open for a chat I stood behind Mrs Blog and waved and said "Hello".

"Hello Aunty!" says sister-in-law-blog.

"Followed up with,

"Sorry Robbie!"

Robbie is Son-blog and, much as we are alike in height, build and hair colour, he has a distinguishing feature which I do not.

Mrs Blog has a clear out

Every year, just after Christmas, Mrs Blog has a clear out. The aim is to get rid of all the junk - particularly old clothes, to make way for the new ones we all got for Christmas. This year she was like a Dervish. She whirled around the cottage and before I could say "hang on a minute!", she had finished.

I now have a sock drawer with no socks, a pants drawer with no pants and a running-kit-drawer with no running kit left in it! If there are no more posts on this site it will be for one of two reasons,
1 I have been arrested for disturbing the peace by running naked in the hills.
2 Mrs Blog has cleared out the computer to make way for some jumpers.

More Swiss Cooker Problems

Nephew  Ben-Blog found fame in November last year with his cooker antics ( I have pasted the post below as a reminder).

I learned from an email from Sister-Blog that he has done it again! This time he snuck into the kitchen unnoticed and turned the hob on again. The cable from the electric mixer was lying over the hob. Ben-blog snuck back into the lounge to watch CBeebies as innocent as a lamb. First thing Sister-blog knew was when there was aloud bang and the smell of burning. Cherubic Ben-blog carried on watching TV  and clearly my sister has not learned her lesson from the previous incident! (see below)


Having been struggling all weekend to find a subject for a blog I was gifted the following by a skype to call to younger-sister-blog who lives in Switzerland.

She has three children, the youngest of which is Ben, who is not yet two years old. She runs a catering business from home and as a consequence makes extensive use of her cooker. Young Ben decided to sit on the open oven door, mistaking it for a chair and ...broke it!



With the oven door duly repaired she set about baking the cakes. Ben-blog realised he could reach the temperature dial and turned the setting up from 175 to 275C and from oven setting to gill setting. Fortunately sister-blog intervened in time.

Not to be out-done. budding Masterchef contestant Ben-blog, spotted the dials for the hob and turned it on. First thing sister blog knew was the smell of her cookery book, which was resting on the hob, giving off faint burning smells.

So, not even two years old and he is cooking the books! His Mum, sister blog is of course a Chartered Management Accountant!!

Coffee

A very good mate came round yesterday. I made him a coffee using Mrs Blog's very best ground coffee (remember she is a barista!). After one sip my friend asked what sort of coffee it was.
"Finest Kenyan", I replied.
"Where is it from?"
......"Kenya."

Mrs Blog needs new glasses

Alas Mrs Blog might be in need of new glasses. She was trying to read the TV schedule on the screen yesterday and noticed two films - "The Git" and "Chocolate Dundee" rather than True Grit and Crocodile Dundee.

Goodbye 2011

Unusually in our house we stayed up to see in the New Year last night. Well, it was more to make sure the old year left really. At the time I decided to do this it seemed like a good idea. That was before Mrs Blog decided to get in on the act.

"Right" she said, "We are going to do this properly."

She then looked up "First-footing" on the internet. This is an ancient custom celebrated in Scotland and Northern England designed to bring good luck to the household. It should involve a dark haired man knocking on your door just after midnight bringing coal, food, whisky and some money. In most parts of Scotland it is now more an excuse to gate-crash your neighbour's party.

No such luck in my life though! Without going into details our First Footing ended up with

"Oh no it is after midnight and you should be outside already!" from Mrs Blog.

She then pushed me out the back door in my dressing gown and her "crocs" plastic slippers (size 4 and I am size 7). I then ran round the house in the dark to the front door. Halfway round I discover the neighbours opposite are doing the same thing and I nearly dropped the plate Mrs Blog had shoved into my hand holding coal, shortbread, a pound coin and tumbler of scotch.

I then had to employ all the fieldcraft techniques I learned in the army cadets  thirty years ago to get past the neighbours without being seen and back into my own house!

Mrs Blog demonstrated her sympathy for predicament by doubling over laughing at me. Happy Bloody New Year!

Merry Christmas!

Christmas has started

The tree is trimmed, the decorations are up and the food and booze has all been bought. The Blogs are ready for Christmas 2011.  Daughter Blog returned home from Aberdeen today so the family is back together - what could possibly spoil things?

In my "double-dip recession worried frame of mind" I spotted the introduction of Sainsnbury's finest "own label"wine earlier in the year. It is actually a pretty good value bottle of plonk, whether you go for the Shiraz or the Cabernet Sauvignon etc. So earlier this week when I saw they had brought out wine-boxes of the stuff I was in heaven! Two and a quarter litres of drinkable wine at a bargain price. For added value when you have drunk the wine you can take the silver bag out of the box, this is the bit that actually holds the wine, and blow it up to make a make-shift pillow. (This handy tip cones from living in Scotland and listening to local wisdom.)

I have been patting myself on the back for my vigilance in spotting this ace bargain all week.

Just ten minutes ago I opened the box of wine; (no small feat of engineering). It tasted like it should have been sprinkled on chips!!

As you can see Mrs Blog and Daughter Blog had the same reaction as me. Our one remaining hope is that Son-Blog will find a liking for it, failing which I will be drinking it all myself - can't waste booze! So if you are touring through the Borders of Scotland this week and see a middle-aged grump asleep on a silver pillow - it is me!

Advent Calendars

Mrs Blog works at a local coffee shop which also sells some of the finest chocolates in the world.  She splashed out with her hard won wages on an advent calendar purveyed by her employer. It is a series of boxes shaped like a Christmas tree. Each little box contains one of the world's finest chocolates.

With three of us in the house we take it in turns to open the calendar. I waited expectantly as Son Blog took the first one - a Latte Truffle. Then Mrs Blog discovered a soft Caramel. I could hardly wait for my turn. So on the appointed day I opened the box and bit into what I can only describe as a Cauliflower Truffle. Disgusting! I wonder if it some attempt to imitate Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Bean???

Xmas Trees

Today was the annual trip out to buy a Christmas tree.

To get us in the spirit Daughter-blog sang,
"O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, your ornaments are history"

Then we spent a good twenty minutes in the rain (freshly arrived from Southampton) choosing the one good tree from a pretty sorry bunch. As is our tradition, we went for an eight foot tree to fit in our 6'6" high lounge. Also in keeping with tradition we gave absolutely no thought as to how we were going to get the damn thing in the car.

Fifteen minutes of pushing, shoving, swearing under breath and it finally made it (albeit with one end sticking out of the window.

Totally stressed we get the tree home without being arrested for driving with a dangerous load.

Then the dog-blog decides to have a mad spell and ran straight through the fairy lights we were half-way through putting on the tree.

The day was only saved by a trip to the coffee shop with daughter blog. There we met a neighbour who has a three year old daughter called Freya.
"What does she want for Christmas?" we asked.
"A Blue Cat!!!"
My troubles suddenly did not seem so bad!

The Spite Goblin works for FlyBe

So, a week ago I write a blog about the complete injustice of the FlyBe "rewards for all programme" and have the misfortune to fly with them again this week. In doing so I discover that the Spite Goblin (referred to in the very first post) actually is employed by them. The SG takes revenge against me, usually for things I have done wrong. This time I am innocent and can only conclude the SG is in the paid employ of Jim French the CEO of FlyBe.

Here is the tale. I arrived at Edinburgh airport yesterday morning for the 7.05 a.m. flight to Southampton. My plan was to have a day trip to Basingstoke, returning on the 18.35 flight that evening.

The 7.05 took off late and arrived twenty minutes behind schedule owing to the fact that the ground staff who work for FlyBe cannot count. The delay was entirely down to them waiting for a passenger which did not exist as a result of a sums-mistake. Nonetheless I get to the meeting in time, do all I have to do in Basingstoke and head off at about 16.00 to get back to Southampton.

The information board in the executive lounge said "Edinburgh Flight 773 - Relax and Wait" - this was at about 17.00. It also said exactly the same for the previous two flights. As I showed my boarding pass to the girl in the lounge she reminded me "We don't make announcements, please watch the board". No need to make announcements when the 14.35, 16.40 have not even taken off yet!

I wait and watch the information board steadily ratchet up lie after lie, saying "Next announcement in half an hour" again and again. Now to be fair there was the small issue of a hurricane passing through Scotland that afternoon.

Eventually they announce the earlier two flights are combined and taking off at 20.00, then they call my flight and said hurry to gate 8 - it is about to board. So hurricane over!

The earlier two flights duly board and take off - with fewer passengers than the plane can hold - I know I heard the girl at the despatch gate refer to it (this one could count!)

Then at 20.15 they cancel my flight due to adverse weather at Edinburgh!! having already cancelled the later flight this meant no way of getting home.

I legged it to the ticket desk where a surly mare ask me what I want. I explain that I am now stranded and cannot get home. She books me on the 12.40 the following day and expected me to wander off.

"I have nowhere to stay tonight and no luggage, what am I supposed to do?"

"Here is a list of hotels you can ring"

"Can I claim the costs back?"

"You can try! Next!"

I then hustled out side to where I knew there was a "Premier Inn" a five minute walk away, through it must be said, some pretty adverse rain with no umbrella.

Merry Christmas signs greet me as I go in bedraggled and thoroughly miffed. And in true Christmas tradition there was no room at the Inn!!!

A sleepless night in the sister hotel in Southampton centre next to the rail freight yard, which works noisily all night long, made a truly bad day turn into a truly awful night. Finally get home a full twenty fours later and felt compelled to update my blog.

If anyone reading this works for FlyBe please let them know I am happy to offer training on maths, customer service, communication skills, time-management and how to make announcements at airports, all at an exorbitant price of course!

Swiss Cooker Problems

Having been struggling all weekend to find a subject for a blog I was gifted the following by a skype to call to younger-sister-blog who lives in Switzerland.

She has three children, the youngest of which is Ben, who is not yet two years old. She runs a catering business from home and as a consequence makes extensive use of her cooker. Young Ben decided to sit on the ope oven door, mistaking it for a chair and ...broke it!

This left sister-blog with no means of finishing her cakes until the repair man turned up four days later.

With the oven door duly repaired she set about baking the cakes. Ben-blog realised he could reach the temperature dial and turned the setting up from 175 to 275C and from oven setting to gill setting. Fortunately sister-blog intervened in time.

Not to be out-done. budding Masterchef contestant Ben-blog, spotted the dials for the hob and turned it on. First thing sister blog knew was the smell of her cookery book, which was resting on the hob, giving off faint burning smells.

So, not even two years old and he is cooking the books! His Mum, sister blog is of course a Chartered Management Accountant!! 

Phone problems

My company supplied me with an HTC phone when I joined them last year. It had all mod cons such as Internet, email etc and also was supposed to work as a phone. Slight problem was that it muted randomly so that often my calls would end with someone saying "are you there?".

They fixed it with a patch and it continued to mute randomly so they sent me a replacement. The replacement was the exact same model but it had obviously been used (judging by the fingerprints on the touch screen and the scratches on the cover). It too, muted when I tried to use it as a phone, I rang the help desk and had this conversation,
"My phone is muting randomly"
"Which one have you got?"
"The HTC"
"Is it a new one?"
"No second hand"
After checking the serial number...
"Ah yes that one was sent back by the previous user"
"Why?"
"It didn't work"
Doh!
I get a replacement Nokia at my insistence. This decided to wipe out all my contacts for no reason last week. Not to worry I set about rebuilding my list.
One person I wanted to get hold of was my old mate and former colleague Steve who works at Pru.  I rang their switchboard ...
Press1 for new business, 2 for existing business etc. I waited and pushed "5" for all other enquiries.
Another menu with a list of options I pushed 4 for all other enquiries. And yet another menu which said please hold for all other queries. I held and spoke to Ross.
"Can I have your policy number?"
"No I am ringing to speak to Steve in your marketing department"
"I cannot transfer you"
"But he is in the same building as you!"
"Aye but I cannot transfer you, the best I can do is email him for you and tell him to ring you."
I avoided ranting and satisfied myself with giggling and hanging up.

Pru has at least improved since I worked there. I telephoned the switchboard number once having been in the head office one morning. I was directed to Mumbai to their call centre and had this conversation,
"Can I speak to Ian Abernethy?"
"No, there is no one with that name."
"He works in the head office in Stirling"
"No he is not listed so he does not work for us."
"Yes he does - I saw him in the office this morning!!"
"What department is he in?"
"Technical Support"
"No, we have not got a department called Technical Support!"
"YES,WE DO!"
"No we dont!"
"Can I speak to your manager please?"
"No I have not got one!"
"Can I speak to the person who interviewed you for the job?!!"
"No, there is no-one here!"
I drove back to Stirling and spoke to Ian who still worked there, and in a department called technical support.

I feel better for that.

Air Miles - a carthartic blog

Just in case you missed it BA has merged its air miles programme with ILG following their merger. The headlines in the press said that users of BA miles would now have to pay taxes and surcharges when using the air miles. Twaddle! You have had to pay taxes with BA for years. Time for a rant...

I have over 330,000 BA miles which according to their blurb lets me fly my family to Hong Kong and back. Not so! They never release enough seats to let you take a family of four unless ...one of you goes first class, one business and two in economy. I tried booking a simple trip - Edinburgh to Paris - thinking the availability would be better. I was right! But...the taxes were more expensive than flying with Easyjet at their normal price. So perhaps you would think I would switch my allegiance to BMI?

I did. I have over 750,000 BMI miles. The same problem - no bloody seats anywhere you want to go. The best I can do is book Edinburgh to London, which given that is where I fly every bloody week with BMI, I really don't want to go there! So switch to another airline??

I did. FlyBe. Better know to frequent flyers as .. Fly Maybe. They say they have the most generous frequent flyer programme in the UK. Surely I would be on a winner here? I accumulated "Rewards for All" points for a year - fifty of them to be precise. Unlike BA and BMI they have to be used in 12 months or be lost. That means having flown with them fifty times the best I can get is about three return trips all in the UK or two European return trips. I thought "OK, lets take Mrs Blog for a weekend away". Alas...no availability - ON ANY ROUTE ANYWHERE. I even tried Glasgow to Barra in October thinking that surely there would be a spare seat, but no!

A total bloody rip off.

....and relax!

Language difficulties

Went to a dinner with friends on Friday night where a sequence of language difficulties began. Firstly Mrs-Blog's friend Jane, who is from Yorkshire, said she had seen a mutual friend Paul in cow pat. It only took a second to realise it was the accent and she actually meant to say "Car Park". Nonetheless, I was left with the image of Paul standing in cow poo having a conversation with Jane as if nothing was wrong.

Later, after a few glasses of wine, our host told us of his trip to Japan whilst working for a local textile company. The company was called Ballantynes. It would be difficult to think of a harder word for the Japanese hosts to get their tongues around, "Barrantynes" probably being the norm.

So a link with oriental difficulties and Yorkshire; it reminded me that the first non-UK restaurant in the Harry Ramsden chain was opened in Hong Kong. You would have thought they would have changed the name.