The Blog-Family were talking about which film to watch this evening. The decision was made more on the basis of what we weren't going to watch...mainly due to Mrs Blog...she decided that,
"Bad Max" was not appropriate.
Because...
"It's a film about an apoplectic world"
Since lockdown has blighted any attempts to be physically present at church on a Sunday we have been using the livestream option.
Son-blog, being an almighty techy, has found out how to add live subtitles to the feed. Sadly (or not) the programme it uses doesnt recognise the Scottish accent of people brought up in Loanhead (i.e our priest).
This week we discovered that heaven is a place of light refreshments and last week we were told that the story of Noah was in the book of "Excellence"!
Hot on the heels of the last post, (which was a thinly disguised attempt at self-preservation by increasing the pool of witnesses), I have reason to believe that Mrs Blog may have decided to sub-contract the job of polishing me off.
On Saturday morning she confided that our two adult children, Zoltan and Adolf, should be doing more chores during lockdown while staying with us. Foolishly I agreed with her!
Later that morning, Adolf-Son-Blog wandered into the lounge announcing he had been given a chore by his mother...
"Where is the hatchet, Dad?"
(It wont be long now)
Help!
If you dont hear from me after April 2021 please contact the local CID.
By way of background, I believe my life is in danger.
Six weeks ago I fell down the stairs and landed on my ankle ending up in A&E. Only now am I able to think about getting back to running so it wasn't a mere bruise. I wasn't pushed...but I was a wearing a pair of slippery slippers that Mrs Blog gave me as a Christmas present.
Three weeks ago I was in A&E again having stitches put into my hand. I had been de-boning a chicken and an extremely sharp knife sliced through it like a hot knife through the proverbial butter. The knife was an anniversary gift...from Mrs Blog.
My birthday is in April and I am dreading it!!!
A conversation from the Blog-household recently...
Daughter Blog (DB) "The kettle has just boiled don't switch it back on!"
Me "OK"
(Not trusting DB on water temperature I wandered off to wait till the coast was clear before making a cup of tea)
Five minutes later....
DB (From a different room) "Eugh!!! Cold coffee!"
The Times has come up trumps again! As regulars will know they often do. Once in a while they carry a story that makes you smile.
In case you missed this week's here it is.
Animal loving scientists in Africa have discovered two under height Giraffes born separately over hundreds of miles apart.
Undeterred I checked for retailers nearer to home. 25 miles or less to be precise. Google duly pointed me to "Cost Plus World". Yippee!
Except that Cost Plus World is in Oakland, California.
Being one for precision I wanted to know just how much more than 25 miles that might be from the Blog-house...
If the next post you read is dated 2024 you'll know I'm just back.
Sometimes you follow a line of logic that seems sensible at the time. Then it bites you on the backside.
Today was one of those days.
We have a tradition in the Blog-House of having a curry on Christmas Eve. The cooking of said curry is done by me. I noticed we were out of base-sauce and the necessary home-made curry powders so I set about making them this morning.
Mrs Blog, correctly spotted that the vast amounts of Tumeric involved represented a clear and present danger to my one and only white shirt. Despite wearing an apron with "Wifey" on it she thought I was under-protected. She wanted to run upstairs and grab an old T shirt for me to change into.
Logic suggested that having her "run" up the stairs would do her dodgy knee no good at all. So...I took my white shirt off, put on the the apron again and carried on.
Thirty minutes later Mrs Blog was in Sainsburys and ran into our friends the Kipford-Couzen-Blogs. They had been dropping off Christmas cards around the town and remarked,
"Was he cooking bare-chested?"
"Yes" said Mrs Blog
"Better call him the naked chef!"
I tried to draw the scene...
As I am sure you are aware clever people have been designing algorithms to enusre you see adverts that truly appeal to you. This is based, apparently, on how you use the internet.
I strongly suspect that someone has invented one that reads my blog. I deduced this from an advert that appeared minutes ago on my email account. It must have been reading my last few posts and decided it knew exactly what Mrs Blog wanted for Christmas...
...the email heading was "Ideal gifts for her"...
...the sender was ...
BORDERS GUNS!
I kid you not.
In a recent post I referenced "Where's Wally?" which seems to have precipitated something in Mrs Blog.
Below is a detailed picture of the bedroom. See if you can find my golf trousers...
I ask this because I struggled. (It was an hour before my game was due to tee off)
In the drawer of the chest of drawers where they are normally found? No
In any of the other drawers? No
Under the bed? No
On top of the bed? Clearly...No
Hanging up in a cupboard? No
Downstairs on a radiator, clothes horse, in the washing machine or on the clothes line? No
In the lounge, bathroom, dining room, kitchen? No
In desperation I texted Mrs Blog.
Where were they??
Under the bloody duvet! Doh! The first place I should have looked!
Mrs Blog has been on a learning curve with modern technology. She has moved on from a mere laptop to an IPad and has few problems worthy of mention.
Whilst she has been making leaps forward on this front, it has affected her grasp of old-fashioned technology.
Last week she was seen trying to charge up her library book.
If you've ever read "Where's Wally?" this could be right up your street.
This week I spent a fruitless five minutes looking for my reading glasses.
See if you can find them in the complext scenario reproduced below...
I think I'm in trouble
Ever since lockdown started the Blog Kids have been home. Mrs Blog likes to encourage them to be nice to everyone (she long ago gave up on me).
Last week a card appeared stuck to a cupboard in the kitchen at eye-height. It reads...
"Spread kindness like peanut butter"
I added, "with a knife"!
Daughter-blog (DB) was with us when we went to Kelso this week. Given the last post she needed a break from technology.So we found ourselves at Floors Castle (The Duke of Buccleuch's gaff) in the twee tea rooms. Having ordered a selection of home-cooked goodies we sat waiting with eager anticipation.
A toasted sandwich and a quiche-sort-of thing turned up which we knew they were for DB and Mrs Blog. To end any doubt DB offered the following helpful guidance...
"I'm the tart!"
It has been far too long since I blogged.
My children are home due to various lockdown restrictions and have, many times, implored me to start again, so here goes.
(Thanks to daughter-blog (DB) I am amassing the much-needed material for posts).
Not able to go out and meet eligble bachelors in Edinburgh DB has been busy using modern technology.
She logged on to a site which promised to expand her social circles. Undoubtedly the site is host to millions of suitable young men in Scotland. Sadly DB will never know.
She put in the wrong gender on her profile and provided countless men with what I can only assume was ... disappointment.
