The Blogs adventure Ep1

It's been a while since Mr Blog put finger to keyboard, but following a public outpouring (i.e. a suggestion from one nephew blog) it returns for a limited period.

The suggestion was made because Mr and Mrs Blog took a trip to Hong Kong and Japan. (It was a slightly delayed honeymoon which should have happened 36 years earlier). Nephew-blog thought such a trip might be full of classic "blog material". He was correct.

The plan is for a series of posts to cover the Blog-Adventure. Here goes...

Hong Kong has taxis in three colours - Red for urban, Green for New Territories and Blue for Lantau (although there aren't many of them because there isnt much in Lanrau that isn't an airport).

Usually when you think of taking a taxi in a foreign country you have three main concerns,

1. Will the taxi driver take cards or just cash?
2. Will the taxi driver speak English?
3. Will I be able to use Google translate if the driver doesn't speak English?

Not in Hong Kong. There, you face a new and unexpected addition

      4. Will the taxi driver want to have me in his taxi?

In fact, this should be your primary concern because the other three are largely irrevelant if you don't resolve it. Mr and Mrs Blog, on one occasion, standing at a recognised taxi stand, took six goes to convince a taxi driver to take us. The first five were pretty grumpy, and it seems that asking them to take you on a journey to where you want to go is quite offensive. 

On another occasion we flagged a taxi down and got in. After a few minutes of asking to be taken to a restaurant (for which we showed the address in Cantonese) we discovered that this is truly unacceptable to a taxi driver in Kowloon. So not wanting to cause a diplomatic incident we walked the two miles to the restaurant.

You might think this was a specific problem only faced by the Blogs. After all Mr Blog has a history of victimisation from authorities, random strangers and inanimate objects. Not so. Tripadvisor users regularly post reviews of taxis around the world. Hong Kong taxis score 2 stars!

Thankfully the adventure got better!! 

Dog Shrinks

Son-blog has a Golden Retriever called Maggie. He has trained her exceptionally well and is always looking for ways to improve her behaviour.

Last weekend he mentioned that a friend had told him of Dog Psychologists who help with deep seated issues. 

I am skeptical though...Maggie isn't allowed on the couch.

Comedy gold

 Earlier in the week I was at the Kayak club. I ran into a member I'd been emailing for a month without a reply. The following conversation took place,

"Ruairdh, I've not had a reply to my emails, mate!"

"What emails?"

(I explained)

"Must be my email system playing up." Off went Ruairdh.

I turned to the lady who does the admin in our club.

"You'd think he could sort his emails out given that he works in IT!"

"He doesn't work in IT"

"Doesn't he? What does he do?"

"He's a joiner."

"How on earth did I get the idea that he was in IT then?"

"Maybe you heard him saying he'd fixed someone's windows?"

Mud packs you didn't ask for...

 Last week I was at the golf course. Our forward looking club committee have installed a compressed air machine to clean muddy trolley wheels and mud clad golf shoes. This was pretty handy on the day in question since it was pretty bloomin muddy.

I stood there aiming the "gun" at my shoes (and on to the ground) on the left of the machine and a suspicious looking octogenarian wandered up out of nowhere and took the "gun" on the right side of the machine. He aimed it at his shoe which was in a direct line with my face...and let rip!!

Me, two minutes later...

Is this made up? ....No!

Mrs Blog very kindly offered to drive us home in my car from a hostelry earlier in the week. She drives a cute little manual car and is only slightly familiar with the automatic that I use.

She turned on the engine.

Moved the selector to N.

"Why isn't it moving?" she said.

"Because it's in neutral" I replied.

"Oh, I thought was for "Now""!

Mrs Blog - Smart Speaker

I have been struggling for content lately so I am indebted to Mrs Blog for filling the creative gap.

She 'fessed up to the following...

"Spotify, play Fleetwood Mac!"

"Spotify, play Fleetwood Mac!"

"Oops, Alexa, play Fleetwood Mac!"

Language learning No 3

Thanks again to Duolingo for their endless supply of Polish translations.

I promise this is real...

Translate into Polish "Why did you buy that fat penguin?"

You have to assume the following,

1. You will need this phrase on a visit to Poland
2. There is a thriving trade in penguins in Poland
3. Usually people buy slim penguins in Poland
4. Buying a fat penguin is likely to lead to questions being asked

Language learning No 2

 Following on from my discovery that people learning Polish on Duolingo will need the phrase "When I was cleaning your room  I found a knife" I began to wonder if Poland might be a slightly lawless country.

That view was reinforced when Duolingo asked me to translate into Polish...

"Stay here and don't take anything!"

(Stick with this - it  gets better!)

Mrs Blog is a Footie Fan

Following the sad passing of the football legend, Pele, Mrs Blog questioned my assertion that he was the only player to have won three world cups. 

"What about the other one? Whatsisname... the one who used his hand... Armadillo ?"

(Sorry Diego!)

Advert Algorithm Attacks

Several years ago I began to fall victim to a rather unpleasant advertising algorithm

It clearly knew I had retired early and was therefore of a "certain age" - it pestered me with adverts for incontinence solutions.

Recently it has upped its game - myriad clips of warden assisted apartments.

Then yesterday, it knew something I didn't. I became alarmed. Why do I need to see adverts for "Caring Cremations"?

Language learning No1

This is likely to be a recurring theme of blog posts - it has been road-tested on the Sussex-blog-boys and met their high standards.

During lockdown I decided to learn a little Polish. Being tight-fisted I turned to the free app - Duolingo. (Being a free app, it isn't hampered by the inconvenience or cost of someone checking the content so it provided some interesting phrases to be translated).

"When I was cleaning your bedroom I found a knife"

Makes you wonder about holidays in Kracow...more on this shortly!

Confusion at the end of the world

The Blog-Family were talking about which film to watch this evening. The decision was made more on the basis of what we weren't going to watch...mainly due to Mrs Blog...she decided that,

"Bad Max" was not appropriate. 

Because...

"It's a film about an apoplectic world"

Religious Confusion

Since lockdown has blighted any attempts to be physically present at church on a Sunday we have been using the livestream option.

Son-blog, being an almighty techy, has found out how to add live subtitles to the feed. Sadly (or not) the programme it uses doesnt recognise the Scottish accent of people brought up in Loanhead (i.e our priest).

This week we discovered that heaven is a place of light refreshments and last week we were told that the story of Noah was in the book of "Excellence"!

Mechanical Challenges

I know little about cars and how their engines work. My feelings of inadequacy were eased a little this week when the best mechanical brains of JRD motors were flummoxed.

My car has a warning light system for everything except the second coming. The warning lights started to go on one by one. First it was the big orange engine telling me my "Eco system" was faulty. Then the Stop/Start light came on telling me it wasn't working, even though it was. After that, the oil warning light lit up and told me to take the car to the workshop. I booked it in and was told the car would be "ok" to drive for a day or two. Two days later on the way to JRD another warning light came on.

JRD have never been beaten by any challenge I have given them, so I knew the car was in safe hands.

At 11.30 am the receptionist called to tell me they had found the fault...it was still running around the workshop and the office being chased by three full grown mechanics.

Yep!! 

A full grown (and I mean full grown!) rabbit had taken to building a nest in the bumper recess in the engine compartment.

Unbelievieably it had survived two journeys to Galashiels and back - a total of 72 miles.

Seemingly it had been eating the wires of the sensors.

After a brief appearance on the JRD Motors Facebook page it was released unharmed miles away from my car.

The end may be nigh-er than I thought!

Hot on the heels of the last post, (which was a thinly disguised attempt at self-preservation by increasing the pool of witnesses), I have reason to believe that Mrs Blog may have decided to sub-contract the job of polishing me off.

On Saturday morning she confided that our two adult children, Zoltan and Adolf, should be doing more chores during lockdown while staying with us. Foolishly I agreed with her!

Later that morning, Adolf-Son-Blog wandered into the lounge announcing he had been given a chore by his mother...

"Where is the hatchet, Dad?"

(It wont be long now)

 

The end is nigh!!!

Help!

If you dont hear from me after April 2021 please contact the local CID.

By way of background, I believe my life is in danger. 

Six weeks ago I fell down the stairs and landed on my ankle ending up in A&E. Only now am I able to think about getting back to running so it wasn't a mere bruise. I wasn't pushed...but I was a wearing a pair of slippery slippers that Mrs Blog gave me as a Christmas present.

Three weeks ago I was in A&E again having stitches put into my hand. I had been de-boning a chicken and an extremely sharp knife sliced through it like a hot knife through the proverbial butter. The knife was an anniversary gift...from Mrs Blog.

My birthday is in April and I am dreading it!!!

Hot water!

 A conversation from the Blog-household recently...

Daughter Blog (DB) "The kettle has just boiled don't switch it back on!"

Me "OK"

(Not trusting DB on water temperature I wandered off to wait till the coast was clear before making a cup of tea)

Five minutes later....

DB (From a different room) "Eugh!!! Cold coffee!"

Under-height Giraffes

 The Times has come up trumps again! As regulars will know they often do. Once in a while they carry a story that makes you smile.

In case you missed this week's here it is.

Animal loving scientists in Africa have discovered two under height Giraffes born separately over hundreds of miles apart.

The normal Giraffe apparently reaches around 16ft plus when fully grown. These new additions have been struggling to get much above 9ft, not much higher than the world's tallest man.

What did the researches call the first little fella?? 

Haunted by needles

All the talk of Covid 19 vaccines and Flu vaccines has forced Mr Blog to deal with haunting memories of teenage injections.

From the age of 12 I started having hayfever injections. This was a major development in treatment and the three fortnightly shots gave me whole summers of relief. By the age of 15 I was a seasoned regular looking forward to benefits of my tenth treatment. When I pitched up I was told of a new procedure. 

"The Doctor doesnt administer the injections any more, you'll be seen by a nurse."

"No problem," I replied.

Several minutes later I was ushered into the treatment room by a stunning looking young nurse. I resolved not to let myself down in front of her. I knew the drill so I acted as nonchalantly as I could. i dropped my trousers, my boxers and bent over just as I had nine times before. 

The nurse turned round and said,

"Oh! These go in the arm!"

I discovered two things that day,

1. You cannot look nonchalant in all situations
2. Some memories are so seared into your mind you will never forget them

Convenient Coffee

Today we ran out of coffee. Not any old coffee but Daughter-blog's favourite coffee - New Mexico Pinon. (No I'd never heard of it either!)

Unable to standy by and see her suffer, I logged on to my best friend, Mr Google. He quickly showed me I could buy 350g of the stuff for the bargain price of £45. Stunned, I did some more research. It seems it sells in the US for a less stunning $11 so either "The Don" doesn't want us to have it or Boris has slapped a tariff on it. 

Undeterred I checked for retailers nearer to home. 25 miles or less to be precise. Google duly pointed me to "Cost Plus World". Yippee! 

Except that Cost Plus World is in Oakland, California. 

Being one for precision I wanted to know just how much more than 25 miles that might be from the Blog-house...

Yes...5,053 miles. By my reckoning I could walk there at a brisk pace in just over two years as long as I dont take a day off. 

If the next post you read is dated 2024 you'll know I'm just back.