Malta Blog 7 - Lindzy-blog walks fifteen miles an hour

My self, Mrs Blog and NA were planning to have a meal in a part of Malta where we weren't. To get to where we should be, involved a walk north from Valetta, which is where we were. We were to meet Lindzy-Blog at the restaurant later.

The walk had been estimated to be an hour by Lindzy-Blog who assured us that she had done it herself several weeks earlier. Feeling skeptical but not wanting to offend I went along with it.

An hour later we were at Msida, a picturesque harbour town nowhere near St Julians which is where we were hoping to eat.

Half an hour after that we were in the red light district.

Ten minutes after that we were in a bar (not in the red light district) debating the distances.

Eventually we got on a bus which took another fifteen minutes to get to St Julians and the restaurant where we were due to meet Lindzy-Blog. Sure enough she was there, and after interrogation without hindrance of the restrictions of the Geneva Convention we elicited this from Lindzy Blog...

"Well, I didn't start at the same place as you guys!"

Malta Blog 6 - Mr Blog is force fed toast

Place; Malta
Persons in the room; Mrs Blog, Mr Blog, Naughty Alice (NA) and Lindzy-Blog LB)
Time; Breakfast

"Would anyone like any toast?" said NA.

"Not for me Alice, i am off to the bakery to get some fresh bread .! I replied

Ten minutes later...

"Hi Richard, you're back, would you like some toast?" asked NA

"No thanks Alice, I have some fresh bread here, I bought it at the bakery just now."

Two minutes later, Mr Blog eating his fresh bread...

"Richard, you haven't had any toast!" said NA.

"No. But that is alright, I am having fresh bread!"

Two minutes later...

"I am putting on more toast, Richard would you like some more toast?" asked NA.

Mercifully breakfast ended before NA could force feed me!

A picture of me after a Naughty Alice breakfast.

Malta Blog 5 - Mr Blog loses his bum

During my much written about sojourn to Malta recently, I was passing Naughty-ALice in the apartment when she commented,

"You haven't got a bum!"

Quite what she had been thinking I can only guess! However life without a bum could be quite challenging -

• How do you go to the loo?
• How do you sit down?
• How do you stop your legs from falling off?
• How do you do bum exercises? (Click for earlier blog on the subject

It turned out I was wearing a pair of trousers that simply hung in such a way that my rear end was lost to view. Having no need for such a pair of trousers I left them in Malta giving Naughty Alice the opportunity to go on to Facebook and tell the whole interwebtube that I had left my trousers in her bedroom!

Malta Blog 4 - Naughty Alice in contempt of court

Naughty Alice (who seems to be dominating recent blog posts) was once a trainee lawyer. Her training involved sitting in court behind a row of Advocates (senior lawyers in Scotland much like a Barrister south of the border). N-A it seems found this part of her work pretty tedious and to while away the hours, took her knitting with her...

On one occasion, the proceedings were so dull that N-A rested her elbow on the bench in front of her, rested her head on her hand,... and nodded off.

When she awoke it was to an angry judge calling order in the court,  which had been treated to N-A snoring loudly and bringing the proceedings to a halt. Worse still N-A was faced with the humiliating sight of the Macer (Court Official) approaching her with the ball of wool that she had dropped on the floor and had rolled to the front of the court. On the positive side the Macer was kindly winding the wool back up for her!

Malta Blog 3 - Home at 10.87

WHilst in Malta Mrs Blog and I were in a taxi coming home from a night out at an Indian Restaurant.

"How long will it take to get back to the apartment?" asked Mrs Blog.

"Twenty minutes" replied the taxi driver.

"We should be there by about 10.87." said I.

"Oh good, that is not too late." said Mrs Blog.

Malta Blog 2 - Naughty Alice's Knickers

On our now world famous holiday in Malta, Mr and Mrs Blog were hosted by Lindzy-Blog and her mother Naughty Alice, hitherto friends of the Blog family.

I say "hitherto" because on the one hand we are not sure how welcome we were at their apartment in Malta and on the other they may never speak to us again after this posting. By way of explanation we were greeted at the airport by NA and LB who saw us safely onto a Maltese bus and off again at the town of Bugibba. We ascended two flights of stairs to the apartment and were then shown to our room and its lovely views of the

Bugibba skyline...


Either they did not want us there or it was an honest mistake, if it was an honest mistake then I doubt Naughty Alice will ever speak to us again!

Malta Blog 1 - Mrs Blog stuck in the bog

Bowing to overwhelming demand by readers of this drivel (in other words two people asked for this), I have decided to write up the Malta blogs. (See 26-3-14 - Malta - A Blogger's Paradise)

Mrs Blog and I had a few days on the lovely island of Malta last week, staying free and gratis with Lindzy-Blog and her mother, Naughty Alice. You may wish to read "More Misunderstandings 17-4-11 for background on Naughty Alice).

(We had flown there with Ryanair, who are a bit like Easyjet, but with less tolerance and less customer care. They are not the sort to muck about with, as they will charge you £50 at the drop of a hat for anything they can think of). 

We had only been there one day, when Mrs Blog got stuck in the toilet of the flat (rented by Lindzy-Blog from a Maltese guy). My first thought was total panic, if Mrs Blog stayed stuck for three more days we would be negotiating with Ryanair for a change to our return flight and that would cost me a packet! Then it dawned on me that Ryanair was the least of my worries. Lindzy-Blog was moving out of the flat in a week's time; if Mrs Blog was still in the toilet at that stage it could cost me a deposit and a six month lease agreement! 

Truly panicked I tried to talk Mrs Blog our of the toilet, "try pushing the door a little harder" I suggested. She did and the door opened saving me at least E2,000 in the blink of an eye!

Vodafone - hell bent on starring in my blog! 4/4

Finally I rang the "helpline " at Vodafone again. There is by the way no option for "voice mail problems" so I did my usual trick and opted for bill payments (these folks are usually keen to talk to you when they can get money from you).

EVentually I went through the first tier support, then spoke to the "technical guy" who managed to confirm that indeed there was a problem with my voicemail account. He, though, was not the man to fix it. It needed to be escalated to the  "Network team"!

The Network team will not speak to you though. Only Vodafone people can speak to the Network team. They do not work very fast in the Network team either, I was told 72 hours was the process time to fix my issue. Regular readers will know I am apt to get a but grumpy with things like this.

"Can I complain to someone about this?"

"No"

"Surely there is someone who takes complaints?"

"You can speak to my manager but it won't do any good!"

"So, you don't care about customers complaining then? What about if I write a blog about how bad your service is and stick on Twitter??"

No impact at all. Having been through this before I asked to speak to the "Cancellation Team". Vodafone doesn't like losing money (despite the extreme lengths they go to to do just that, by upsetting their customers).

At the time of writing I am still waiting to speak to them....

To be continued?

Vodafone - hell bent on starring in my blog! 3/4

Rather than dial the same people who had given me the incorrect PIN I decided to resort to the web. I went to log on to my Vodafone account and it decided it didn't like my username or password but would not tell me which one it didn't like.

Undeterred, I went through the new password process and tried again.

"We are sorry this service is unavailable - please try later."

Vodafone - hell bent on starring in my blog! 2/4

Following my return to the UK I decided to call Vodafone on 191 guessing correctly that in doing so I would not be upsetting the Maltese Ambulance services.Easier said than done since Vodafone decided to cut off my signal by doing "something" to a mast.

After a fifteen mile drive I managed to reconnect with Vodafone and they said I would receive a text with a new PIN shortly and everything would be fine.

The PIN duly arrived and I set off home knowing that I could now access my voicemails from my landline by using the new PIN.

If only!! I got home, I dialed the number and I entered the PIN.

"The PIN you have entered is incorrect and your voicemail account is now locked!!"

Vodafone - hell bent on starring in my blog! 1/4

I was on holiday in Malta last week and took my mobile phone - for some reason I have not learned my lesson and I am still with Vodafone.

I tried to access my voicemail and entered the PIN only to be told that Vodafone did not like that PIN (I checked it was correct) and they locked my voicemail.  Never mind though they sent me a text telling me to dial 191.

I did and spoke to the Malta Ambulance Emergency Services!!

Royal Bank of Scotland - I love them

Sometimes when you think you are hitting an online service brick wall you are proved wrong!

Below is a cut and paste from my chat with RBS online banking help agent Adam...

Adam: Hi, you're chatting with Adam. How may I help you?

RICHARD: I want to cancel a direct debit but your system will not let me. It tells me to call your telephone direct banking BUT - there is no option to cancel Direct Debits!!!

Adam: Hello Richard

Adam: You should be able to cancel a direct debit online

RICHARD: Hello Adam

RICHARD: I know but it will not let me that is why I am talking to you!

Adam: If you click "payments and transfers" and then under the heading "standing orders and direct debits" there is a drop down box where you can select "manage direct debits"

Adam: If you click that, you can select the direct debit and click "cancel"

Adam: What happens when you try?#

RICHARD: Stop stop stop - read what I have written

RICHARD: It tells me to call Direct Banking like I said before!

RICHARD: I have cancelled many DD in the past so I know how to do it - it simply does not let me on this DD

Adam: Would you like me to see if I can do it?

RICHARD: YES please!!

Adam: Can I take your full name please?

RICHARD: Richard Leeson

Adam: Thank you

Adam: Could you please confirm the last four digits of the account number for me?

RICHARD: m@#+~

Adam: Which direct debit is it?

RICHARD: Times Newspapers

Adam: Great

Adam: I've cancelled that for you

Adam: I'd recommending informing The Times too to let them know

Adam: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

RICHARD: Thanks Adam!! Have a lovely evening and may the sun shine on you wherever you go.

Adam: Thanks for chatting with me today.

Malta - A Blogger's Paradise

A four day trip to Malta, which ended last night, gave up so much blog material that I decided to simply list the headings of the possible blogs in this post...

1. Mrs Blog stuck in the bog
2. Naughty Alice's Knickers
3. Home at 10.87 p.m.
4. Naughty Alice in contempt of court
5. Mr Blog loses his bottom
6. Mr Blog is force fed toast
7. Lindzy-Blog walks fifteen miles in an hour

I have not decided yet whether or not to elucidate, but might be persuaded if there were comments encouraging me to do so!!

Menopausal Hypothermia

Mrs Blog turned the heating off as a "slight chemical imbalance" left her feeling warm. Sadly, reality in Scotland in March is not warm and I am in danger of dying of hypothermia. I wonder if I am unique?

Mrs Blog'sBirthday

Mrs Blog headed south on Sunday to celebrate her birthday with the Sussex-Blogs, leaving Mr Blog at home.

Mrs Blog rang at 5.10 in the afternoon to say she had arrived safely and, knowing that she had been awake since 6.00 a.m. and driven 400 miles, I was pretty sure she would be out like a light by 8.00 p.m. Wrong!

She rang at 18.50 to ask if would be ready for a Skype call with the assembled Sussex-Blogs in ten minutes time (19.00 by my reckoning).At 21.00 they got round to Skyping. I figured that maybe Mrs Blog had been busy chatting. Wrong!

At 21.24. Usually in our house any call after 21.00 means a family tragedy at the very least. Not so, a giggly (and maybe tiddly) Mrs Blog was at the other end of the phone, asking if I could remember any Cockney rhyming slang!! Just the kind of question I was ready to answer. She then went on to claim that I had once lived in Essex and therefore should know loads of rhyming slang; I have never lived remotely close to Essex, the Bow Bells or Albert Square.

Here's hoping the trouble and strife reads this!!

Bottons!

Today started unusually with Nrs Blog asking whether or not chickens have bottons!

(See previous post)

Keyboard update

After fourteen years of diligent service our conputer keyboard has given up the ghost, well alnost.

I discovered this evening that it is falling apart one key at a tine. Why I do not know - nost likely old age. Nrs Blog hardly uses the PC, content to enail on her laptop so she is as yet unaware of the nayhen being caused and cannot be blaned for the problen.

So for those less eagle-eyed followers the "n" key is not working and I an having to nake use of the "n" to replace it.

Amazon review

A long while back I wrote about an Amazon review of "Veet, hair removal" - the customer reviews are still up there and well worth a look!

Daughter-Blog sent me another Amazon review - this time of Gummi Bears, which I have pasted below...

Customer Review

19,775 of 20,062 people found the following review helpful  Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate., October 3, 2012 By  C. Torok Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?) This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery) Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN! First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper. BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me. Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors. But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible. AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS. I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005. I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands. Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying. Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump. If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

I thought my New Year was difficult...

In the London Times today is an excellent article on page 32.

It seems a 20 year old Australian man from Mooroopna, wanted to surprise his girlfriend. To achieve this he hid and got stuck in a top-poading washing machine. Firefighters took 20 mins to free him.

Amazingly he is not alone! An 11 year old american girl did the same thing in a similar design of machine and he friends called the fire brigade when they failed to free her using peanut butter and ice cream!

Happy Bloody New Year!

Felt a little unsettled this morning looking at the year ahead. At times like this I turn to the ever reliable reassurance of Shelly Von Strunckel, horoscope expert extrodinaire.

Even she let me down with her first words

Aries:
"Ordinarily you overcome problems swiftly."

Back to bed :-(